It's time for your Season By The Script halftime report card.

BC North
North Miami Beach Railriders
Coming into the halfway point the Railriders have a 7-1 record, leading the division by a game and with a 6-0 conference record. The Pilots and Cubs have come closest to taking a win off them in recent games as the early scoring prowess shown by NMB seems to have stalled. Why are the Railriders on top? They're certainly benefiting by having the 7th oldest team in the league - more experience means more position XP. Keeping the ball on the ground (fewest pass attempts in the league) means that while Fodor's run average isn't great it's good enough to move them forwards and deny the opposition the ball. More likely however is that the Railriders lead the league in turnover margin. Mistakes by the opposition being capitalised upon.

Playoffs? Yes, probably as division champs. They only have one team with a winning record to play (Raptors) and that one could decide the division.

Ulaanbaatar Raptors
The Raptors' two losses this season have come at the hands of the Earthquake in week 1 (meaningless 7-9 loss, it's week one, it's not a form guide) and a thrashing at the hands of division rivals North Miami Beach on the road in week 6. The Raptors are battered with injury right now and while most are probables you still don't want double digit dinged-up players on your roster. That said a 39-10 smackdown against Portland shows what they're capable of while simultaneously killing the Pilots' aspiration of a playoff run. The Raptors also boast the youngest team in the division giving them a realistic shot at running the table for the next few seasons.

Playoffs? Yes. Top-seeded wildcard looks very likely at this point. If they can overcome the Railriders in week 13 the division title isn't impossible. This week's game against Philly is the toughest test they have in the remainder of the season.

Portland Pilots
The Pilots are a better team than their record suggests. Their losses have come against Stockholm, North Miami Beach, Ulaanbaatar and Hong Kong. Okay the last one was probably just unlucky. Having shut out the Slamhounds convincingly 2 weeks ago however the Pilots aren't to be taken lightly. They've a very experienced team but their ground game is really letting them down. Despite favouring the run the average per carry is ranked 29th overall while their yards per pass attempt is best in league. Maybe time to review some playcalling choices. If anything the month-long injury McGuire is looking at should force that change of direction.

Playoffs? A fighting chance. Much depends on whether they can retool their offense to be more effective. They are at risk of losing out to either Montevideo or Zena however. If they lose against the Prodigies this week they're probably done for the year.

Edlington Anarchy
If you wanted evidence that the first season after foundation is a bit odd, how about the winless Anarchy comfortably taking their first win of the year by beating the (at the time) perfect record Echidnas? With every team relying on maybe a handful of players with the remainder of the roster being made up of filler material an awful lot of games are a coin flip. The Anarchy roster looks decidedly like the walking dead with almost as many players injured as fit. A massive amount weighs on the shoulders of ageing quarterback Barry Scott who has been known to miss his pocket when trying to put his hand in it - this is not an accurate QB. A mid-table offense and 30th ranked defense. The Anarchy could very easily lose every game from here on... but they could just as easily win them all. Such is the nature of this season.

Playoffs? No. Nope. Not going to happen.

BC East
Star City Slamhounds
Every season there's a division where no team looks like they want to win it, welcome to the BC East. The Slamhounds are leading the way with a 4-4 record and a roster of just 46 players, the smallest in the league. On the plus side they have an offensive line that is probably one of the best in the league but they lack both the passing and rushing stars to take advantage of it. This is evidenced by a 22nd rated offense and 22nd rated defense. So, mediocre on both sides of the ball. They've a mixed bag still to play with 2-3 wins looking probable but they'll need to play well for any more than that.

Playoffs? Only if they win the division, which they might do with a losing record.

Sumpan Crazy Wolves
Starting your franchise with an 0-5 record is disheartening, but then you land 3 wins in a row. Sure, those wins aren't against the best teams in the league while the losses all came from teams who currently sport winning records. Maybe Sumpan have been victim of a tricky schedule? We'll find that out this week. A second game against the Cubs could make all the difference to their season and potentially put the Wolves in the driving seat in the east. They have Donald Brown in the QB shirt. He's a 10 year veteran, 2nd overall pick in the league, 90 QB rating... he should be dominating but isn't. The team's passing ranks are below average, in the 20s, and their offense overall is poor. On the plus side they sport the league's best pass defense. So where's the problem? Receiving talent? Pass protection? Play selection? Got to be one of those. If they can figure out where the issue lies they should be a contender.

Playoffs? They're the most likely team to win the BC East, but only if they can fix their passing game.

Bohemian Cubs
This is a team that hasn't worked out what they're doing. Putting aside the week where running back Smith got to play as QB (132 yards, 46% completion, 2 interceptions... we've seen worse) they haven't settled on a QB despite the fact that it should obviously be Kingsley. Leading RB Hussey is close to 500 yards for the year, on track to make the thousand club but he's taking an awful lot of attempts to get there. A 2.9 yard rushing average is not something you want on your trading card. This team gives up fewer penalties than any other time, which helps, but their offense just isn't fit for purpose just yet. They've a lot of winnable games coming up but I'd be surprised if they land more than a couple in the run-in.

Playoffs? Not this year. A second place finish is possible but it'll be with a losing record.

Catacol Wildcats
Youngest team in the league. Remember that. It means that not one player on the team fully understands their position, likely understands the plays even less. Every single player is a rookie. It was inevitable that they'd struggle this season. They do have plenty of offensive talent however. It's talent that doesn't know what it's doing, but if they keep the core of this offense together they could be the BC East team of the future. Starting QB Quincy currently sports a rating of 16.3. 14 interceptions in 8 games. Not a pretty sight. They have the worst rated offense in the league and match that with the worst rated defense. If you're looking for the worst team in the league, go no further, you've found it. Better days are ahead in future seasons and I could see a week 14 or 15 divisional victory possible.

Playoffs? Hah. First pick? Probably.

BC South
Stockholm North Stars
A new league! The North Stars leading their division! Some things change, some don't. The injury to Palmer Hall against the Slammers in week 7 is a big deal, although not the end of the road for Stockholm who overturned divisional rivals Zena with a decent spread this week. Hall had been arguably their primary offensive weapon but Tyrone Parker has stepped into the #1 RB slot and done the job well so far. More impressive is QB James Marrero. A year 3 boomer, Marrero sports a 108 QB rating with 10 TDs and just 1 interception. All this adds up to the #6 ranked offense which, when paired with the #2 ranked defense makes the North Stars a very tough opponent. The week 15 game against Paris is quite possibly going to be an Electrobowl preview.

Playoffs? Yes. Probably as #1 seed.

Montevideo Screamers
The Screamers offense is going to score against you. The only question is how much they score. They move the ball better than any other team and have the top-rated rushing average in the league, coupled with the second lowest rushing attempts. It works so I can't criticise the approach too heavily. It's not like the Screamers are bad at passing, far from it, although their passing game highlights their biggest weakness - protecting the QB. Sacked 44 times in 8 games. Ouch. So, three big games to come - two against the North Stars and a throwdown against the Railriders. This is where we'll find out what the Screamers are capable of.

Playoffs? Yes... or they'll miss out by the narrowest margin. It'll be a wildcard berth regardless.

Zena Soneros
The Soneros have the 4th youngest roster in the league, so really shouldn't be in prime time this season. They've beaten four poor-mid grade teams and lost against 4 mid-high grade outfits. What we're not looking at here is this season's bowl winner, but in two to three seasons' time? Distinctly possible. They'll need a natural starting QB to get there with rather telegraphs their trading/drafting agenda but they are a team with plenty of young talent. The big question this year is whether the playoffs are in reach or not, and they are but Zena will want to comfortably knock off the Slamhounds, Lengths, Mean Machine and Rhinos to secure their spot. A further win against a winning team - this is not a simple schedule, and post season play is there. Also... stop committing so many penalties. Just saying.

Playoffs? If there were a team that was going to spoil it for someone else in week 16, you're looking at them.

Cape Town Rhinos
Propping up your division is normally something to be concerned about. But this is BC South. You won't find a tougher division in the league and the Rhinos are a decent team, they've just given up too many points. The loss against the Cubs is maybe the most surprising result so far in their campaign this season, but that's some typical first year weirdness. What the Rhinos lack in results they make up for in talent. Alvarez is the QB of the future and unless he's traded (for an outrageous price) is likely to run out of fingers for Electrobowl rings. He might be an interception-throwing machine right now but he's starting, and he's learning the playbook that will lead this side to glory. As far as team ranking is concerned there's nothing to see here, the Rhinos just aren't ready yet.

Playoffs? Not this year. Could be a spoiler for Zena or Montevideo however.

BC West
Echunga Echindnas
The team that can beat the North Stars one week then lose to the Anarchy in the next. QB Knuckles is developing nicely at QB and so far they've been ably supported by a diverse array of runningbacks, almost all of whom are currently injured to a greater or lesser extent. Five of the team's six wins have come from teams who are "meh" at least so they could just be the product of a favourable schedule, and the run in doesn't look to be too big a challenge either. The 5-3 Elders representing the sternest challenge to come. Rounding out the season against the Screamers and Soneros could put a dent in the Echindnas' playoff seeding but they'll be active in post-season.

Playoffs? Yes, as division champs. Third seed looks most likely.

Reasonable Lengths
This is a team who have a 17 year veteran on their roster purely because he's a 17 year veteran. He has zero discernable talent, so this is obviously a "for the lolz" decision. Many of the decisions behind this team so far seem to be intended to be gigglesome so they're not a serious contender.

Playoffs? No.

Dutch Prodigies
Everyone knows the Mean Machine are a force to be reckoned with... oh, not this year? Okay. Well that rather puts the Prodigies' two wins against Derry into a different perspective. The team is averaging only 160 yards of offense per game and have the worst rushing average in the league. This is about as far from an offensive powerhouse as you can get. Defensively they're a little better, but I mean little. They're a youngish team (9th) but they're lacking in the kinds of players who can make a difference to the result. Two or three more wins are possible this year but the team will be looking like a multi-season project for some time.

Playoffs? No.

Derry Mean Machine
Derry's defense-first foundation draft has yet to pay any kinds of dividend. The team is rated 15th defensively, which may have been predictable given the age of their starters. You won't want to face them in later seasons, but it's this season and instead you'll have the pleasure of facing the second worst offense in the game with the worst record for turnover margin. Have fun and enjoy it while it lasts.

Playoffs? No

FB North
Les Republicains de Paris
The last remaining undefeated team in the league, Paris are going to have to prove themselves against the best the ESFL has to offer to complete their coronation. The Republicains are embarassingly good this season - #2 on offense, #1 on defense and it's not because they've had an easy run of it. This week's 3-0 overtime victory against the Arrows of all teams has been the toughest test they've had to date but they've passed the test and are maybe 2 wins away from playoff certainty. Two games against the Dragons, Sharknado, Philly and North Stars are still to come and every one of those teams will be looking to upset a Paris team who are almost certain to hold the Fail Brigade top seed.

Playoffs? Yes. They'll be fighting Philly for the #1 seed.

Porth Emmett Auctioneers
The Auctioneers have made significant roster moves to try and secure a run at the championship this season and it's close to paying off. Their 6-2 record has taken down the likes of Forbidden City (although, week 1, right?) Zena and Cape Town but they've been soundly beaten by Paris twice which will leave them chasing a wildcard spot. It's a slot they're likely to secure if they can stay fit, only the North Stars stand in the way of a clean sweep although the Lions and Dragons will both have something to say about it. The week 16 matchup against Forbidden City could decide the divisional wildcard representative but probably won't.

Playoffs? Yes, as wildcard.

Forbidden City Dragons
This season is the warmup act for the Dragons next year where they'll be close to full strength. Not that they're underperforming this year. Yuan Shao is looking very handy at QB and as he continues to develop will be a pain for the rest of FB North to deal with for the next 10 seasons. This is a very potent offense and a defense that has been tested but is still ranked in the top half of the league. Losses have come at the hands of the Auctioneers (week 1, yeah?) Arrows and Earthquake - all capable teams. If they can beat Paris this week it throws the North wide open. A tough run-in to the year includes the North Stars, Paris (twice) and an end of season thriller against the Auctioneers.

Playoffs? Yes, as wildcard.

Seattle Slammers
Despite a 3-5 record the Slammers aren't a bad team, but neither are they a good one. The second oldest roster in the league are coming up short on execution and as much as they've yet to be shut out have been inconsistent on offense. QB Landry is a "good enough" player that typifies the team at this point. Their run to the finish is filled with teams in a similar position and it's their divisional rivals most likely to throw up interesting results. A .500 record is certainly possible and they may be gifted an unlikely win in week 16 if Paris decide to rest starters.

Playoffs? Maybe. If they can beat the Auctioneers and Dragons at least once (they have to play both teams twice) it's not out of the question, especially if Paris decide to rest in week 16.

FB East
Entebbe Elders
Leading the way in the east with a 5-3 record the Elders neither score much nor concede much. In fact, if you're a fan of low-scoring games, look no further: the team averages under 10 points per side this season. They could lose their top spot this week as they're carrying more injuries than is ideal while the Arrows face struggling Hong Kong. If anything it could be back and forth all the way to the end of the year. The better team winning the division, the second best missing out on the playoffs entirely. The week 11 game against the Arrows will probably decide the division.

Playoffs? Given the giant-killing nature of their rivals, I think the Elders miss out this year.

Nottingham Arrows
Their stats suggest a middling team, but the Arrows have been unlucky in their losses. Losing in week 1 by 4... week 1... then by 2 against the Auctioneers, by 6 against the Lions and by 3 in overtime against Paris. This is a strong team who just need to find a way to cling onto victory. They're in good shape with plenty of walking wounded but those players are definitely walking. The week 11 matchup against Entebbe is likely to decide the division, although even if it goes the wrong way the final three games against Seattle, the Prodigies and Terriers look likely to be 3 wins.

Playoffs? Yes. As divisional champion.

Harnosand Harbourmasters
Having not won a game since week 1 when they defeated the 1-7 Terriers 5:0 it'd be easy to overlook that Harnosand have lost 3 games in overtime, 3 games against decent teams. This is a young team and QB Crowe looks likely to lead the way until he's replaced - a player who is adequate rather than a star, they'll likely be looking for a genuine pocket general if they're going to take advantage of their receiver duo Hanna and Baldwin. Neither of these top tier receivers are well utilised at present. If the team can figure out how to get the ball to them, results will follow.

Playoffs? No.

North Eastern Terriers
You'd hope the oldest team in the league would be exploting the experience advantage that gives them, but it just hasn't been the case for the Terriers. They broke their duck this week against Derry, but the Mean Machine is still warming up its engine so this isn't a major result. Saves face though. Both the run and pass offense tracks in the 30+ range which explains much of their trouble and defensively the're not much better. The Terriers rebuild will undoubtedly kick off this off-season where they'll be challenging for first pick.

Playoffs? No. Maybe a second win will be forthcoming, maybe it won't.

FB South
Cheesy Philly
It's no surprise that Will Smith leads the league in passing yards, but it may raise an eyebrow to find out that he's second on the team for rushing yards as well. Djiboutian Franc obviously leads the way on the ground with a respectable 4.5 yard average - Philly came to play. Rated top of the league for offensive yards and 3rd for turnover margin Philly are a force to be reckoned with. Their defense isn't quite as inspiring, although they've yet to give up a rushing touchdown, but why does it matter if you're just going to hit your opposition for 330 yards a game? Sure, it's low by NFL standards, but in the ESFL it's enough to win the division. Their key games remaining are against the Raptors next week and Paris in week 11. Beat Paris and the #1 seed just became possible.

Playoffs? Yes, as division champ.

Los Angeles Earthquake
A 4-4 record at midseason is hardly inspiring and the Earthquake is a tricky team to pin down. Wins against Forbidden City and Ulaanbaatar look good, losing against the Bullfighters is less convincing. Tyson is a good QB who needs time to develop which is why the team is leaning on the running of Kit Katz this far. This is a run-first team, throwing half the number of times they run which might not be the best approach given that they're also ranked #2 in the league for completion rate. This has led to a mid-table position for offensive production while ball control has restriced their opposition sufficient to land Los Angeles the 5th rated defense. They could be on the cusp of winning more often, but might be missing a few pieces to make it happen.

Playoffs? Will miss out on the final wildcard spot.

Nice Baguettes
Three wins in the season so far despite conceding three times the number of points they've scored. Much of that deficit is thanks to the week one pasting at the hands of the Lions due to a roster error but this is a team that routinely gives up double digits against their opponent... and then beat Philly 3-0. That truly was a baffling game, 23 first downs for Philly, 8 for the Baguettes and 4 missed field goals from Philly kicker Aniston. Luck has its place, certainly. The team landed their third win of the year this week, edging out the Slammers 17-16 in a 4th quarter comeback. Nice's stats lie in the 20s across the board, they're an also-ran this year and will need some roster strengthening to become a factor in later seasons.

Playoffs? Not for a while yet.

Hong Kong Kings
The defensive buildup of Hong Kong hasn't really yielded results for them this season. Certainly they're young (5th) but their youth team has only mustered a 12th placed ranking to date. The decision to play the mitake-laden rookie Terry Im over more reliable but unremarkable William Brown at QB has probably contributed to their poor record - 31st ranked for turnover ratio? That'd do it. The Kings' record doesn't match their yardage - 13th on offense, 12th defensively for a team ranked 28th for win/loss record. But then, win/loss is the only thing that really matters.

Playoffs? Nooooooooooope.

FB West
Tillamook Sharknado
A bumpy week 1 against Philly was followed by 6 wins on the trot before the team tripped up against Hong Kong. This wasn't a fluke result either, the Kings performed better in every aspect of[i][/i] a game that could have gone either way. So, are the Sharknado legit? Maybe not. The only team with a winning record they've beaten are the Fools. Not to say that Tillamook are a big nothing, QB Baconmaker will be one of the best in the league but they're maybe not quite as strong as their record suggests this season. They'll need to prove it in the race to the playoffs as they've no out-and-out easy weeks. Beating the Bullfighters this week is a must, after that they'll need 3 wins from teams all in the playoff hunt.

Playoffs? Yes, probably as division winner but they have to contain the Lions and Fools.

Penrith Lions
The Lions have 5 wins against teams who are middle-low in the pack so far and lost against 3 who are similarly positioned. Their season starts for real right now as they face Florence twice and Tillamook twice. Taking a win against each of their divisional rivals will be critical if they want to see post season although they might get a free win against Philly in week 16 depending on whether the #1 seed is already decided. The only soft team still to face is Hong Kong, and they're playing so erratically anything could happen. The points score by Penrith are flattered by their week 1 result against Nice but they've proved themselves able to score and Napoleon Whitmore is the QB who'll lead them into the future as his accuracy improves. Ranked 5th on offense and 7th on defense is nothing to be sniffed at but the team needs to prove itself against better teams.

Playoffs? Beat Sharknado or Florence twice, go to the playoffs. Fail, and miss out.

Florence Fools
After winning their opening 5 games the party was about ready to kick off in Florence. After losing the following three games the party was cancelled and the work has to begin. The Fools have some significant injury woes on defense - 5 players questionable or worse and it is their #9 rated defense that has put them in the position they're in - being rated 23rd on offense doesn't get you to post-season. They're just an unremarkable team up to this part and this week's game against the Lions is critical. If Florence can find a way to fire up their offense anything is possible. This is setting up FB West to be unlikely to be decided until the last game of the season.

Playoffs? They're definitely the third placed team in the division but they're far from out of it. Division champion is possible, as is wildcard, as is nothing.

Balsicas Bullfighters
Oh great. I should have looked at these guys earlier because the Bullfighters are better than their record suggests - unlike the other teams in the division. Their reliance on the run is holding them back right now due to a poor average per carry but their losses have come at the hands of teams likely to make the playoffs. The only real disappointments being two losses against Sharknado and another against the Lions. They've beaten the Lions, and the Fools and the well-regarded Earthquake. They still have a good chance to turn their season around, arguably a better chance than the others in the division. They've 5 games against losing teams to contend with and critical match-ups against Florence and Tillamook. The Sharknado game this week will decide whether a wildcard is still on the table or not.

Playoffs? ...no. Probably. Until we see how good the team is against even talent we won't know. This makes it highly possible the division will only be decided in week 16.

In the nature of modern sports reporting we are not going drag on about that boring football stuff this week but ask the questions we know you readers really want? So in our first “meet the players feature” we ask each games MVP for their most useful Top Tips (c), Hopefully this will be followed up with what is your favourite colour and if you could own a Ice Cream shop what would be your signature flavour. Super!

Harbourmasters 10 @ Terriers 8

Harbour Masters WR Walter White

“BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching. “

Great stuff.

Philly 42 @ Raptors 21

Philly's legend in his own lunchtime, and everyone's favourite on stage psycho QB Will Smith

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Thanks Will and may I say your wife...

Auctioneers 0 @ Slammers 24

Slammers QB Richard Landry

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Great one Rich, helping with the cost of living crisis there.

Rhinos 3 @ Screamers 15

Screamers RB William Smith

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.

You hear that folks, wise words.

Crazy Wolves 0 @ Cubs 9

Cubs star LDE Don Harris

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Slamhounds 0 @ Soneros 20

Someros QB Glenn Hall

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.

Sound words indeed Glenn!

Arrows 3 @ Kings 20

Kings Kicker Lazarus Recoil told us

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

Probably good advice for his mucker Terry Im who was unavailable for comment as was having the old “shoelaces” problem.

Bullfighters 0 @ Sharknado 23

Sharknados RB Hydrothermal Benediction

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

Cheers Mr Benediction, or can I just call you Hydro!

Dragons 19 @ Paris 14

Dragon WR Huang Zu

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

Good old Huang – a ladies man to the end!

Baguettes 27 @ Anarchy 17

Baguettes Punter Julio Fedex

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

And that folks is why we all love punters!

Earthquake 7 @ Railriders 9

Railriders RDE Steven Kennedy

AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.

And you should know, eh Steve?!

Fools 7 @ Lions 10

Lions LB Robert Jimenez

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

Cunning!

Mean Machine 7 @ Lengths 12

Lengths Kicker Vincent Keillor

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

Well words of wisdom there

North Stars 10 @ Wildcats 6

North Stars RB William Cole

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

A an old Stars financial management tip there

Prodigies 0 @ Pilots 9

Pilots LG Charles McDonald

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

Ah the voice of experience there no doubt

Echidnas 6 @ Elders 7

Elders WR Drew Hill

EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.

Brilliant advice there.

So there we have it, an insight into the world of professional sports and useful information for you all. Just to note no I have never even heard of “Viz” and have no concept of what that would be, even if it was, say and irreverent UK publication with various satirical and silly features. (any legal challenges to SBTS legal dept, The Bahamas)

This week Muttley and Bangers sent me out to go take a look at every game, I took a few pictures there...

My game looks a little misleading as the Bullfighters actually took the Elders to town 12-6.
BTW, you forgot to take us back to Senior's Centre after the game...still walking/wheel chairing back home now.
Elderly neglect!

So some games were played Some scores were settled and now SBTS, this week brought to you in association with shatterproof rulers, Broken ankles and your local OAP home.

Auctioneers vs North stars

The award for dumbest fourth-down penalty goes to the North Star special teams unit. In field goal range in the third quarter to seal it up they decided to commit a foul and push them back to punting range.

The flip-flop award goes to the Auctioneers, Never has there been more parity between offense and defense One was awful one was okay resulting in a short loss.

Kings vs Fools

How many people does it take to run the ball award goes to: Hong Kong, SIX rushers, REALLY?

The Kick return efficiency award goes to: The Fools, 118 yards off 5. Good stuff.

Railriders vs Baguettes

The, Oh my god how did they get away with this award goes to: The Baguettes, five interceptions, seven punts and yet they still won by three points.

The, How on earth did you catch five interceptions and still lose award goes to Miami, seriously how does this happen?

Screamers vs Slammers

The oh Lord you finally woke up in the fourth quarter award goes to: The Slammers, Took long enough didn’t it.

The most productive first quarter award. Goes to: The Screamers, No need for a Get Back To Work on this one.

Earthquake vs Pilots

The, Worst second half in all of recorded history award. Goes to: both teams, we all may as well have packed up at half-time.

Raptors vs Mean Machine

The lowest yards per play award goes to. The Raptors, not averaging 1 yard per rushing attempt is potentially a record.

The you shall not pass award goes to. Derry, 1.53 yards per pass were they mistaking this for a game of rugby.

Anarchy vs Cubs

The how many penalties did you give away award goes to.The Cubs, Six penalties is quite a lot.

The getting sacked four times yet having a QB rating of 115 goes to. The Anarchy, Offensive line that needs beefing up me thinks.

Sharknado vs Lions

The most disappointing fourth quarter award goes to: This game. Could have been a Grandstand finish but wasn’t.

Slamhounds vs Crazy Wolves

The lightning start award goes to: The Wolves. One play, 75 yards, cheers Jeff.

The, My QB ended up with a 100 rating and we still lost award goes to. The Slamhounds, honestly I don’t know what to say.

Wildcats vs Bullfighters

The, We might have to take the sacks award away from the Cubs award goes to.The Wildcats, if your offensive line were a dam we would all be underwater.

The decent defensive contribution award goes to The Bullfighters, pick six in a safety that’s what you call double-team.

Dragons vs Soneros

The ESPN instant classic award goes to: This Game, This is what you love to see, fourth-quarter kick return touchdown overtime interception field goal to win it everyone goes home happy analysts will talk about this game for years to come.

Arrows vs Elders

The. How on earth do you get 214 yards and only scored two points award goes to: The Elders, This is ugly very ugly.

The. I think you got away with this one award, goes to. The Arrows, On any other day you lose this game.

Terriers vs Prodigies

The. Everyone’s second favourite team award goes to, The Terriers, you know it’s true you love them really.

The, I think you need to hire a new kicker award goes to the Prodigies. Two fourth quarter missed field goals I think your kicker needs to go to Specsavers.

Echidnas vs Rhinos

The. Worst time to fumble the ball award goes to The Echidnas, on your own 2 yard line back where you started giving away a touchdown in the following play, less than ideal.

The. Unsung hero award goes to Lawrence Delano, Rhinos, 41 pass blogs 22 run blocks not a single sack or tackle allowed, good work lad.

Philly vs Paris

The worst offensive yards to points ratio award goes to Paris, over 100 times more yards and points scored.

The. I let my running back pass the ball award goes to, Philly. Will Smith is not invincible after all, men in black lied to me.

Harbourmasters vs Lengths

The greatest fourth-quarter comeback award goes to, The Lengths, 15 points what a win.

The Highest average start position award goes to. The Harbourmasters, 36 yard line is quite high up the pitch.

Well that marks the end of our awards, did we learn anything? No, did we have fun? Maybe depending on who you are.

Week 12 has been and gone and here is your every other day feast of what is going on around the league, with Season by the Script. I’m just going to be boring here...



It’s time we took over and said something about these games...

----------
Slammers 15 @ Dragons 23

Statler: [on Bean's reuniting with the other Muppets] This is a very moving moment.
Waldorf: Yeah; I wish they'd move it to Pittsburgh!

Lengths 7 @ Arrows 0

Statler: There's a lot to be said about this game.
Waldorf: Too bad you can't say it on a family show!

Philly 31 @ Harbourmasters 7

Waldorf: Wake me when the game starts
Statler: It's already been on a while.
Waldorf: Oh, wake me when it's over.

Anarchy 10 @ Earthquake 17

Waldorf: You know, the second half of this show reminds me of Aspen.
Statler: Why Aspen?
Waldorf: Cause it's all downhill from here!

Bullfighters 6 @ Crazy Wolves 17

Waldorf: Am I crazy or was that good
Statler: you're crazy!!!
Waldorf:........I thought so

Elders 6 @ Terriers 0

Waldorf: Do you think there's life in outer space?
Statler: There's certainly none in this game.

Kings 7 @ Auctioneers 6

Waldorf: Now this has been a game to remember
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: I forgot.

Lions 20 @ Fools 9

Statler: Wake up, you old fool. You slept through the game.
Waldorf: Who's a fool? You watched it.

Baguettes 16 @ Pilots 6

Statler: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.
Waldorf: Believe what?
Statler: I don't know - I wasn't watching

Cubs 10 @ Raptors 12

Statler: Well, it was good.
Waldorf: Ah, it was very bad.
Statler: Well, it was average.
Waldorf: Ah, it was in the middle there.
Statler: Ah, it wasn't that great.
Waldorf: I kind of liked it.

Sharknado 7 @ Slamhounds 6

Statler: The question is, what is a Slamhound?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?

Rhinos 3 @ Paris 10

Waldorf: I love French singing.
Statler: I love French Fries.
Waldorf French Fries? I don't get it.
Statler: Well, you didn't order any.

Screamers 10 @ North Stars 7

Waldorf: Eh, Statler?
Statler: Yah, what?
Waldorf: Is that it?
Statler: Yes, its over. How'd you like it?
Waldorf: I don't know, I slept through the whole thing.
Statler: Well, you didn't miss much.

Wildcats 0 @ Railriders 26

Waldorf: Think we'll be entertained with this game?
Statler: I will. I brought a book.

Prodigies 6 @ Echidnas 21

Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do we watch it?
Waldorf: Why do we watch it?
Statler: Why do you watch it?

Soneros 25 @ Mean Machine 3

Statler: I liked that last game.
Waldorf: What did you like about it?
Statler: It was the LAST game.

Season by the Script 2022 - Our Annual Playoff Permutation Spectacle

Yes, I'm taking time out of my luxurious vacation along the Great Lakes Riviera to report to you all live from Milwaukee on what a mess you've all made of the playoff picture. You'd think it was a picture painted by Jess.

Bad Company - Division Champs

BC North - Let's start with some realism; this is already just a two-horse race between the Raptors and the Railriders. There's little to separate these two: Both 9-4, they split their regular season series, those games are their only divisional losses. Whoever finishes on top takes it, but if it comes to a tie? If the Raptors lose to Edlington, the Railriders can take the edge with home wins to the Anarchy and Pilots; likewise, if the Railriders stumble against either and the Raptors beat the Anarchy, it's theirs. Mutual success or loss, and it goes to common games (both 5-2, Ulaan-Sumpan and NMB-Star City remaining) or conference games (both 7-2, all remaining games in conference). And failing that? Tiebreaker madness.*

*Tiebreaker madness is SBTS's vocab of choice for the deeper tiebreakers that are more or less impossible to predict on pen and paper. Even such a quality free periodical has its limits.

BC East - Star City? They're still in this if they can keep the wins coming in... though they've lost five straight and have the Railriders next. If they can bump NMB and Sumpan and Bohemia lose, we can explore that. Speaking of Sumpan and Bohemia: Split regular series, and the Crazy Wolves can clinch the tiebreaker on divisional record with a win over Catacol next. Failing that plus the Cubs beating the Wildcats (they're out of the running for the tiebreaker if they lose), we go to common games (Sumpan's 2-5 with Raptors left, Bohemia's 2-4 with Portland and Balsicas left) before Sumpan takes it on conference games.

BC South - Stockholm will be pleased to have an edge in record right now because they're in trouble generally. If Stockholm and Montevideo keep pace on their next two games (easier said than done, check the schedule) then their Week 16 clash decides the division. If either of them, or both of them, stumble down the stretch, then the door starts to open for Zena, who split their games with both Stockholm and Montevideo. The only problem? Soneros don't have an easy close-out, either. We can explore that if the potential's still there later this week.

BC West - Echunga's already got it. Congratulations to the Echidnas for being the only team four wins clear of the rest of the pack. You really know how to make it easy on me.

Bad Company - Wild Cards and the #1 Seed
Who could take the now-all-the-more-coveted #1 seed? Likely winners are Stockholm, Echunga, Ulaanbaatar, North Miami, or Montevideo, with Zena not completely out of it, either. Quite the mess, huh? There's still some room for some zesty tiebreakers in the final few weeks here--Echidnas play Montevideo and Zena yet!--but if you want to know who's holding serve right now, it's Echunga with the head-to-head tiebreaker over Stockholm, a win which might prove pivotal in the end. That would be quite the accomplishment for a team without a helmet.

As far as our generous allocation of three wildcards? There's some distant cases to be made for Portland, BC East's runner-up, and the Lengths, but that requires winning out plus some highly unlikely combinations of events, especially with minimal head-to-head tiebreakers laying out the opportunity. Scratching them out leaves this an easy conversation: The wildcards go to BC North's silver medalist and BC South's 2nd and 3rd place teams.

Fail Brigade - Division Champs

FB North - Paris's win over injury-depleted Forbidden City (my article, my excuses) has all but sealed the title for them with Porth Emmett already vanquished. However, if the Dragons can get back on track and if Paris has some serious stumbles down the stretch, there's enough room in the remaining tiebreakers to that it could come down to madness in the end.

FB East - Unless the Elders lose the next three and the Arrows win the next three, this is Entebbe's title. Yes, I'm telling you they have a chance.

FB South - This is Philly's title. Look, they've got the Y and everything, right? Well, if Philly loses the next three and the Baguettes win the next three? Split regular series, 4-2 division record, 5-3 common opponents, 8-4 conference record, and it goes to tiebreaker madness. It might seem impossible right now, but that Y might be premature.

FB West - It's too little, too late for Balsicas, with Penrith just out of reach and Tillamook winning the chaos of a three-way tie. Lions and Sharknado, though? Week 15 is pivotal; Lions clinch with the win over Tillamook there, while the Sharks split the regular season and pull level with a win of their own. That, plus a win over Florence next, would lock in the tiebreaker for the Sharknado. Otherwise, they're currently both 4-3 on common games (Philly left for Penrith, Earthquake left for Sharknado) and Penrith wins any ties that go to conference record. This is still as close a division as can be, and their week 15 clash should be worth watching.

Fail Brigade - Wild Cards and the #1 Seed
For the top seed, let's be honest, this is likely the two-way clash of Paris and Philly. Both squads have remaining schedules that are interesting in their own way to try to break their 11-2 tie... speaking of tiebreakers, though, the Week 11 victory for Philly over the Republicains might be what decides this in the end. It'd take a lot of stumbling from both sides to let anyone else into the conversation, but if Penrith can hammer through a brutal closing schedule, they could find their way into the picture, especially with a Week 16 battle with the Cheesy crew looming ahead.

Let's look at the longshots for the wildcard: Nottingham has a better chance of taking their division than taking a wildcard. Balsicas are near the back of a long line and even a couple nice tiebreakery wins probably aren't enough to warrant conversation. LA is a step behind, but with a win over the Dragons and the potential for a W over Sharknado and a second victory over Nice still to come, they could find themselves cutting ahead in line with some dangerous tiebreakers.

That leaves Dragons, Auctioneers, Baguettes, and Sharknado, as four teams playing musical chairs with three seats. What do head-to-head games look like? Dragons will be looking to avenge their Week 1 loss to Porth Emmett in Week 16 but have an ugly closing schedule overall. Auctioneers don't have it too easy, either. Tillamook closes out with some dangerous games and might be pretty pleased to have a win over Nice under their belt. And Nice has a few potentially dangerous games left, too. Conference record? Dragons are up 6-4, with the other three at 5-4. Yes, I'm just putting off saying anything conclusive here; we should know more quite soon, but it's still anyone's playoff run for now.

We'll check back in on the madness later this week.

SBTS Hot-and-Fresh Playoff Update - Week 14

Bad Company - What We Learned
The doors closed on some memorable debut seasons, leaving us with a fairly definite playoff field. Congrats to Miami Norte, Ulaanbaatar, Sumpan/Bohemia, Montevideo, Stockholm, Zena, and Echunga, on making it to the 2022 Playoffs...

Bad Company - What We Don't Know
Pretty much everything, for as set as the list of teams might be. Destiny is in Miami Norte's hands as winning out can clinch the division, but even just one loss opens the door for the Raptors (not that they need someone to open the doors for them) to win out and take the division themselves.

Sumpan holds the edge in the BC East, with a one-game lead and tiebreaker clinched. They need to drop both of their final games and see Bohemia win both of theirs to see the title slip from canine to feline control.

The Screamers hold a narrow advantage in BC South; Montevideo and Stockholm both have brutal matchups next with Echunga and Paris respectively, but if they both pull off the wins, then Week 16 is a date with destiny... unless they both lose in Week 15, then a Zena win in Week 15 forces the Soneros into the conversation for Week 16.

...what are you waiting for? Echunga already took BC West.

Fail Brigade - What We Learned
We, uh... we might've learned even less about FB than we did about BC. No one got eliminated, only one division was clinched (and it was FB South, which needed the biggest stretch to not go to Philly), and everything necessary to prolong the agony of hope fell right into place.

Fail Brigade - What We Don't Know
FB North... I... uh.... huh. Paris has actually clinched FB North. Fail Brigade - What We Learned - Paris clinched FB North. There, fixed. FB East is still undecided, and the circumstances are still the same: Entebbe loses out, Nottingham wins out, and the Arrows take the division. Any deviation from that and the Elders take the FB East.

FB West is still up for grabs, and we should know a lot more in Week 15. If the Lions beat the Sharknado, they take the division. If Tillamook wins, then they clinch the tiebreaker and only need to match Penrith in Week 16 results (Lions at Philly, Tillamook home to Los Angeles) to win the crown.

Wildcards? Eh, we're not going to get into that. You want to know how messed up that situation is? Nottingham could, technically, still get the 7th seed.

Season by the Script - Week 15, 2022 - Anatomy of a Tiebreak

I was going to do my usual update on playoff races across the league, but this is such a ridiculous situation that I am going to focus just on this for now, in case you have ever wanted a glimpse into what it takes to do these articles and why I usually shortcut through the more convoluted situations; why, you know, I rope things into what I call Tiebreaker Madness and call it a day.

Let's take a look at the BC South title race. The winner of this division not only takes the crown of the most brutal division in the league, but also very likely gets the #1 seed in the conference and the week off that comes with that.

First off, let's set the scene. Screamers are up, 11 wins versus 10 for Zena and Stockholm. However, Montevideo plays the North Stars, their fates are tied. If Montevideo wins, it's theirs. If Stockholm beats them and Zena loses to the Echidnas (a tough final game!), then Montevideo definitely still takes it; they'd be at 11-5 with Stockholm and win out on conference record at 10-2 vs 8-4.

If Zena wins, however, that puts all three teams at 11-5. In the NFL, you work through a list of tiebreakers among all three (or four, in a more-hellish world) teams until one side comes out on top alone or until one side is eliminated, upon which you'd restart the tiebreak list between the remaining two. Let's walk through the steps to sort these three.

The nice thing here is that we're looking for differences; anytime something's established to be equal, you don't need to consider it in categories that include it again because it's already been established to make no difference.

1) Head-to-head record among the teams in question. All three teams will have won one and lost one to each other, 2-2 all around.

2) Division record: We already determined how they fared against each other, but what about the Rhinos? They all went 2-0. (See, 2-2 against each other and 2-0 against Cape Town means they all have division records of 4-2. We save ourself a thought by skipping past the 2-2 bit and checking just the new component.)

3) Common games: We already ruled out divisional games, so we look at the rest of their commonality, the four games they all had against FB North and the four they had against BC West. Montevideo and Zena went 1-3 against FB North, beating only Seattle, and went 4-0 against BC West in this scenario where Zena won its final game. Stockholm, meanwhile, lost to the Echidnas but made up for it by beating Porth Emmett. 5-3 in common games.

4) Conference games: No need to simplify this one since the game just gives you the conference record on the standings table. In this scenario, it'd be 10-2 Screamers and Soneros, 9-3 Stockholm. North Stars are out! Back to the top!

5) Head to head between Zena and Montevideo: As we established, they went 1-1 against each other.

6) Division record: Again, we established they're identical here, 3-1 against North Stars and Rhinos.

7) Common games: We also know this is identical; 1-3 against FB North with a win over Seattle and a sweep against BC West. We'll... come back to this quirk shortly.

8) Conference games: As mentioned, they'd both be 10-2 in conference. Onward to new depths.

9) Strength of Victory: This looks at the teams both sides beat across all sixteen games and sees whose vanquished foes have the better record in total. Basically, you're rewarded for having beaten better opposition. However, across those sixteen games... they both went 2-0 against the Rhinos, 1-1 against the North Stars, both beat the Slammers but lost to the other FB North sides, and both swept BC West. Meaning in all fourteen games they have in common, they not only had the same record, they won and lost in the exact same pattern.

This is helpful, as it allows us to focus on the two games they don't have in common. Montevideo took on Sumpan and Miami Norte, while Zena took on Star City and Ulaanbaator. And they both beat both unique opponents, meaning this massively stripped-down Strength of Victory figure is currently 18-12 for the Screamers and 14-16 for the Soneros. Since there's only one game left in the season, that four-win difference can't be made up in time; Montevideo has the tiebreaker, after all!

Funny enough, hypothetically, if Zena had played the Cubs instead of the Slamhounds, then they could still hypothetically tie up Strength of Victory (and, necessarily in this case, Strength of Schedule) and move on to combined rankings for points scored and allowed within the conference. Their combined rankings right now? Screamers with 8 (low is good) and Soneros with 9, tight enough that it could very, very easily tie if one side or the other shifts ranking just a little bit (an outcome made even more possible considering that the Screamers need to lose in this situation and Zena needs to win).

Beyond that is net points in common games, net points in all games, net touchdowns in all games, and then a simple coin flip. Point is, in a perfect world, if it takes nine steps to find out who's the better of three teams (and very nearly could take even more than that), then we can all agree they should just be placed in a triangular football field and forced to battle it out for Nuffle's nod of approval.

Next time, please, just win your division outright, preferably with three games remaining on the calendar. Spare a thought of compassion for yours truly.

SBTS Wk 15 Continued: Elsewhere in playoff news, briefly:
- Raptors hold the tiebreaker over Miami Norte. A Raptors win and a Railriders loss puts a crown on a dinosaur's head.
- Sumpan clinches the division by merit of divisional record.
- Forbidden City locks in a playoff seat and can clinch the top wildcard seed with a win over the Auctioneers or a Penrith loss.
- Nottingham has Entebbe on the ropes; an Arrows win and Elders loss sees Nottingham pull off the most remarkable heist of a division crown we've ever seen.
- Tillamook secures the tiebreaker over the Lions in FB West. A win over the Earthquake or a Penrith loss gives them the title.
- While Bad Company's wildcards are all known, if not in order, Fail Brigade remains a toss-up. With the Dragons locked in, two seats remain for the Auctioneers, Earthquake, Baguettes, and FB West runner-up to fight over.
- In that wildcard race, Los Angeles is sitting pretty with tiebreaks over Nice and Penrith and the Lions aren't so bad off with a one-game lead and wins over the Auctioneers and Baguettes (Kaldo might be demanding a do-over on that one, though). Tillamook also is faring well with a win over Nice, though a Week 16 showdown with Los Angeles could turn out to be quite meaningful. And if you check conference rec... wait...
- Breaking News - The Penrith Lions have also clinched a playoff spot. Huh. That's what you get for trusting the computer. This means it's a battle between Los Angeles, Nice, and Porth Emmett for the final wildcard spot, unless Tillamook fails to take their division and falls into the equation as well. Things are about to get wild...card.