Here ye, here ye. SBTS Is back this year, liberally filling your inboxes with the finest Sportsball Content. It's totally serious Sports Journalism, not joke articles here! We find ourselves in yet another Sportsball Regeneration of the Universe Christmas Special.

So we will be looking for people to get involved and write articles throughout the Season to sum up each game weeks result. There is not pressure, free your creativity, go mad and left field. We've had many great articles over the years and obviously we appreciate your efforts in making SBTS the legendary publication that it is.

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Season Dates
We will need 16 Weeks worth of cover this season and if you do a really good job, you may get coerced into coming back for the Post Season Madness. Beans will cover our Traditional Permutations Madness Week, obviously.



Week 1 - Bangers/Muttley
Week 2 - Captain Lion
Week 3 - Who ever wasn't Week 1 Rounding off the Week
Week 4 - Wolf with Cats(It's Monday or Tuesday.... I sincerely hope)
Week 5 - Liberty
Week 6 -
Week 7 - Tolokram with Past Week 4 Bedtime Stories
Week 8 - Colonel Failure's Midseason Who's hot and who's not!
Week 9 -
Week 10 -
Week 11 -
Week 12 -
Week 13 - Flavourbeans - Prof Brian Flavourbeans Takes on a Tour of the Wonders of Permutations
Week 14 -
Week 15 -
Week 16 -


Thanks You
Messrs Bangers and Muttley - Senior Management of GeoffCorp Inc
Flavourbeans - Senior Permutations Officer
Captain Snaggles - Junior Assistant to the Tea Lady
Kickjess - Senior Graphic Designer
Vaguely Baffled - Sunglasses Officer

SBTS Special Edition - Mid-Foundation Draft Review - Bad Company

Here we are at the chronological midpoint of the foundation draft for the newly-reborn Electrosports Football League. Over 500 players have had their name called and are currently looking for a luxury home in locations as far-flung as Uruguay, Uganda, and Kentucky.

But while it is the halfway point in a sense, we've only seen teams get through a third of their draft picks, with the bulk of them still in the days to come. So while we can't say for sure what these teams are going to look like come the end of the draft, we're starting to get the picture; the players chosen, after all, are likely to be a majority of each team's best, and what they're like and what positions they play may speak to the priorities of team ownership and start to give hints at what's in store for the first few seasons.

Under no circumstances should anything written below be taken as perfectly factual or accurate. No data was consulted, no analyses done, this is just a quick skim of the first sixteen picks for all thirty-two teams, with any impressions noted.

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BC North
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Edlington Anarchy
This team trends towards experience and an offensive focus.
One good thing about them is that the quarterback will have some solid options for passing targets. The trio of Garcia, Me, and Fridge, provide three strong, speedy options with great hands. Garcia, the RB, is also going to leverage 90 max speed, 99 strength, and 90 break tackle to be a nightmare for opposing front-sevens.
One unfortunate bit is the QB is going to need to work hard to get the ball to any of them. Barry Scott's low vol is unlikely to do much to boost that 75 accuracy, and his competent speed and great scrambling will be necessary with a questionable work-in-progress of an offensive line assembled so far.
They will need to find some protection for the QB while finding protection for the potential leads they could rack up by assembling a competent defense.
Progress rating: 3 safety pins out of 5.

Portland Pilots
This team trends towards older, low-volatility players.
One good thing about them is they've got an offense that's largely assembled and ready for day one. Most of the skill positions have a bit of depth, the experience means that many players are at the peak of their powers. Even a solid defense might have a bit of trouble here if they're from a team built on rookie players.
One unfortunate bit is that age is going to come back to haunt them. While they have some younger players providing offensive depth and taking the pressure off, most of their defensive picks so far are increasingly in touch with their investment bankers.
They will need to finish that offense and do substantial work on the defense with an eye on capitalizing on that experience advantage now while not collapsing under retirements later.
Progress rating: F-15 out of B-25.

North Miami Beach Railriders
This team trends experienced and primarily offense-first.
One good thing about them is that, like their division mates in Edlington, they are spoiled for options in moving the ball forward. They're sitting on two of the league's best RBs and four WRs who, while not speedy, have eight safe hands between them all.
One unfortunate bit is the rest of the offense is a question mark; Eric Martinez is a QB of supreme potential in every aspect but his passing itself, and even if he pops in TC, he'll be hitting his peak as his great supporting cast begins to fade. There's no o-line yet, either.
They will need to find a way to make use of their offensive talent before it's too late while making sure their shaky defense doesn't cost them too many games.
Progress rating: 6 out of 10 nonexistent US high-speed rail lines.

Ulaanbaatar Raptors
This team trends rather young, though is quite balanced.
One good thing about them is they managed to bag arguably the best QB in the league while putting together a strong defense. They'll all grow up together and even if Jose Angal (Angal??? Angel?) Gonzalez is having a bad day, talent in all three levels of the defense can bail him out.
One unfortunate bit is that a QB that talented could use a supporting cast worthy of him. The o-line still needs some work and has yet to get an LT or RT, and the only player joining Gonzalez in the backfield so far is RB Amokacho, who is banking on his high volatility to be anything more than a stopgap.
They will need to stay the course. There's holes, but there's thirty picks left for patching them. It might take a couple years for them to pick up the needed experience, but they'll be in good position to run the division by then.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 clever girls.

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BC East
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Bohemian Cubs
This team trends towards low-volatility offense picks.
One good thing about them is they've just about completed the task of putting together a complete offensive line, and not a bad one, either. A bit of rummaging around and/or another pick or two that way and they're there.
One unfortunate bit is there's not a lot going on around that offensive line. Barring the most stellar TC one can hope for, Steven Farrelly is going to be a regretable choice at QB, and everyone else but TE Louis Harrison are merely passable or on their way to retirement.
They will need to find a way to make the best of that o-line investment and find some bold picks to inject some life into the defense.
Progress rating: 6 out of 10 lion cubs are just that adorable.

Catacol Wildcats
This team trends rookies. They're all rookies. All of them.
One good thing about them is THE TEAM'S PRETTY YOUNG AND COULD HAVE A LONG FUTURE AHEAD OF THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL ROOKIES. A lot of promising ones, too, especially on the offensive side of the ball. Hardly any volatility, either.
One unfortunate bit is it's going to take a while to get the core of this team up and running, and their very stringent policies are going to leave them reaching deep for picks if they stick to it.
They will need to diversify their draft strategy; this late in the draft, low-volatility becomes a liability as a lousy low-vol player will always be lousy.
Progress rating: Wait, where the **** is Catacol? 3 out of 5 catacols. Or wildcats. Them.

Star City Slamhounds
This team trends to a young, low-vol, all-fundamentals offense.
One good thing about them is that, coincidentally enough like their divisionmate Cubs, they've got the makings of a solid offensive line. Not really any stars among them, but especially in a foundation draft, every one of them could be a starter on most teams. They're young and low-vol, too; the rock upon which to build an offense.
One unfortunate bit is that o-line is going to be doing a lot of work. Running back Donald Allan is solid, but the FBs supporting him leave a little to be desired and there's not much of a passing game coming together.
They will need to take the pressure off of Allan else they're an injury away from offensive collapse. Meanwhile, the defense needs love, too.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 Sputniks

Sumpan Crazy Wolves
This team trends towards higher-volatility veterancy.
One good thing about them is Brown & Black might be the best QB/WR duo in the league right now if you're going with current ratings. If they can get supporting cast together to keep Brown safe and keep the opposing secondary honest, they could do numbers together.
One unfortunate bit is they're quite a bit away from pulling together that supporting cast. Santos is a great RB who can't catch a ball, Carrier is a solid pair of hands above a sluggish pair of legs, and Slocumb will anchor whatever o-line comes together, but beyond that? Oh dear.
They will need to build out that offense before it's too late for Brown & Black. Luckily, their defensive core is in place with some decent talent, so this is possible.
Progress rating: The SBTS Personality Quiz finds these wolves to be 60% crazy.

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BC South
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Cape Town Rhinos
This team trends young and slightly towards offense.
One good thing about them is the passing attack. QB Alvarez is another contender for best in the league, and he has six targets who, while average in speed, are all absolute ballhogs who will develop alongside him. If these guys survive TC, they could be a league-best unit.
One unfortunate bit is the incomplete o-line is mostly horrid at pass blocking, and while they're good at run blocking, the RB isn't the greatest at it and could use a good partner. Opposing defenses can plan for and attack that great passing game.
They will need to find a good ball-running RB and build out that o-line while completing their largely linebacker-only defense.
Progress rating: 6 out of 10 rhinos are off to the stampede.

Montevideo Screamers
This team trends experienced and balanced!
One good thing about them is that they are prepared to fight in the trenches. Montevideo has a killer o-line coming together, as well as a few solid d-liners as part of an excellent defensive core.
One unfortunate bit is there's no run game to take advantage of that o-line. There's the roots of a good passing game present and QB Whitworth should stay safe, but opposing defenses can play against that.
They will need to add a second dimension to that offense and finish building out a great defense. They're off to a great start and have thirty picks to work with still, so it's a good place to be.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 tailfeathers shaken.

Stockholm North Stars
This team trends young, defensive, and highly volatile.
One good thing about them is that defense, especially that secondary. McNeill and Rose are the scariest CB1/CB2 duo in the league, and they've got a couple solid safeties behind them, and some good linebackers between them.
One unfortunate bit is that with this many excellent players and this high of volatility, not everyone's going to make it out the other end of training camp intact. Modest losses or only a bust or two and this is still going to be a classic Stockholm Death Stars defense, but a bad day in camp could spell ruin.
They will need to build an offense to completement that defense, simple as that. They've got a couple solid building blocks in place, but there's still a long way to go there.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 stars in alignment.

Zena Soneros
This team trends young and slightly defensive-leaning.
One good thing about them is that they've got a good core started on both sides of the ball. Harry Abney is a good moneyball quarterback lining up with possibly the best RB tandem in the league, and they're sitting opposite of a strong defensive core at DT and MLB.
One unfortunate bit is the rest of the defense could use some work. The secondary hingest on the team's sole old guy, OLBs are still pending, and the DEs aren't a match for the DTs' skill.
They will need to complete the offense with an o-line and and some more receiving targets while giving the defense a bit more voom.
Progress rating: 6 out of 10 bandmates for Cesar 'Pupy' Pedroso.

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BC West
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Derry Mean Machine
This team trends young, lower-vol, and a bit defensive.
One good thing about them is that, true to form, Derry's setting up to win it in the trenches. A complete starting o-line--with a good blocking TE beside them--is completemented by a solid d-line on the other side. Be honest, were you really that surprised?
One unfortunate bit is that there's not much use for that o-line so far. Aside from the aforementioned TE, Coco Epicurus, QB Bless De Beauvoir has no one to throw to, and there's no one yet to carry the ball.
They will need to build out the skill positions on offense while finishing fleshing out their so-far-so-solid defense. I know the running joke is that Derry doesn't need to score to win, but this is taking it to the extreme.
Progress rating: Philosophers contemplate if 3/5ths of a glass of something is more than half full or less than half empty.

Dutch Prodigies
This team trends younger, offensive, and very high-volatility.
One good thing about them is that this could end up being the best running game in the league. Jim Vincent's possibly the best RB out there, he's got a good FB and TE helping out in blocking, and the o-line is as strong as any out there. Apparently the Dutch reclaim land from the sea so they have more room to run the ball.
One unfortunate bit is that they risk becoming a one-dimensional team--minimal passing game, defense needs work--or even a zero-dimensional team given how much of their fate is in training camp's hands.
They will need to give QB Clarence Kinsler a few passing targets to take the pressure off while building out a defense to avoid putting them in positions where they need to abandon the run to keep up.
Progress rating: 6 out of 10 tulips.

Echunga Echidnas
This team trends young, fairly volatile, and rather defensive.
One good thing about them is their defensive front-seven is shaping up to be something formidable. The d-liners are strong as heck and built to stop the run and they're backed by a likeminded linebacker with Justin Wilson and a pair of OLBs who can bring some speed around the edge.
One unfortunate bit is the offense is still a bit formless. QB Kenneth Kimbrough could prove solid, but he's lacking for targets aside from the lumbering threat of TE Louis Lane, and RB Todd Combs is merely a good-but-not-great rusher. The o-line is a great start, but is still mostly missing.
They will need to find the offense's identity and build around that, and then weather whatever storm training camp brings.
Progress rating: Leaving a 60% tip at the Outback Steakhouse

Reasonable Lengths
This team trends older, mildly volatile, heavily defensive.
One good thing about them is that they have an excellent secondary, with a few solid CBs and some scary-good safety support behind them, though a little bit of reshuffling might be advised to balance out that talent better.
One unfortunate bit is the offensive is virtually nonexistant, consisting so far of two iffy FBs who aren't really the best candidates for converting into something else, though George could make for a tolerable RB if opportunities fail to present themselves.
They will need to finish construction of one of the higher-potential defenses in the league and count on that to win them games, depending on how well building the offense goes.
Progress rating: That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the linemen are strong, all the DBs are good-looking, and the team is above average at 6 out of 10.

SBTS Special Edition - Mid-Foundation Draft Review - Fail Brigade

I didn't sleep nearly enough for this.

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FB North
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Forbidden City Dragons
This team trends young, fairly high-volatility, and heavily defensive.
One good thing about them is they have a complete starting defense in place. While they're not superstars, save for perhaps Guan Yu at RDE, they've got solid starters throughout with the flexibility needed for most standard formations.
One unfortunate bit is that the defense's greatness has come at the cost of the offense. They seem to be banking on TC to produce a competent starter QB and while Lu Bu could prove a menace, the supporting cast will need to be decent to make the most of him.
They will need to really buckle down and start sinking some picks into offense. Out of the 30 remaining, they'll probably need to drop 20 of them on o-liners and offensive skill positions, and the sooner they do it the better.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 kingdoms.

Les Noms du Jour
This team trends young and balanced, if not a touch volatile.
One good thing about them is how balanced their design is. They've locked up some talent across multiple position groups on both sides of the ball. While no one unit stands out as dominant and complete, that even spread leaves them with a lot of flexibility in approaching the second half of the draft.
One unfortunate bit is that the balance they display means there's still some serious holes to address. QB Mixolydian Fugue will struggle to prove himself a long-term solution, a running game has yet to materialize, the safeties may be pressed into CB duty unless some talent can be found, and the linebackers could use a high note.
They will need to think hard about how to capitalize on the talent they have: Is the right approach to stay balanced, or should they lock down on one position group at a time to give themselves some standout strengths?
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 republics.

Porth Emmett Auctioneers
This team trends experienced and defense-focused.
One good thing about them is a promisingly strong secondary, anchored by Romeo and Richard Brown as CBs 1 and 2. With some solid safety support behind them, this unit could terrorize the division, especially with a couple of their rivals still needing some work on the passing game.
One unfortunate bit is that they also don't have their offensive machinery in place! The starts of a quality offensive line are present, and QB Adrian Robertson is a TC-risk potential prodigy, though he also has some flaws and, as of yet, there's no one for him to throw or hand the ball to.
They will need to develop a functional, productive offense while finish filling in some gaps in their defensive front seven. It's not the worst position to find themselves in, and if they pull it off, they could be an early division contender.
Progress rating: Going once, going twice, going 6 out of 10.

Seattle Slammers
This team trends experienced, volatile, and a bit towards the offense.
One good thing about them is that they've got all the makings of a balanced offense. RB Larry Larson in particular is one to watch, especially behind the makings of solid o-line. Taking the pressure off is QB Richard Landry, who has a few targets with great hands, even if they're a bit lacking in speed. Few offenses so far feel as two-dimensional as this one, and opposing defenses will have to think things through.
One unfortunate bit is that their own defense is a bit of an afterthought so far. The only standout player, safety James Jones, might be a bit older than one would hope for, while many of the others don't inspire much enthusiasm.
They will need to decide how to prioritize their defensive needs versus doubling down on what is already a potentially great offense. They'll be glad to still have thirty picks coming ahead.
Progress rating: 60% on the carnival strongman game.

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FB East
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Entebbe Elders
This team trends low-vol, a little defensive, and a little old, unsurprisingly.
One good thing about them is that the experienced roster will, in the near term, give them a leg up on some of their competition. Several of the best players are already at the peak of their careers, and several others are more or less a year off of it. These Elders just might teach young whipper-snappers a lesson.
One unfortunate bit is that they're still lacking for a clear standout unit or an overall identity. There's a few good players in the roster and some promise, particularly on the defensive side, but it's hard to look at this roster and pinpoint what you'd expect them to do well, what their hallmark is.
They will need to find where that potency lies on both sides of the ball and continue to bring in experienced talent that will let them take advantage of their game-ready roster before it's too late.
Progress rating: 60 or older out of 100.

Harnosand Harbourmasters
This team trends youngish, volatile'ish, and well-balanced.
One good thing about them is the passing game that's coming together. QB Jason Crowe has the arm needed to dish out the bakk, WRs Hanna and Baldwin are as strong a duo as one could want, and even the RB can haul'em in.
One unfortunate bit is that there's trouble in the trenches. C William Suggs is outstanding, but there's not much of an o-line beyond him to speak of yet. Meanwhile, the defensive front seven is off to a solid start, but sluggish speeds for the DEs and OLBs will likely mean that pressuring opposing QBs will be a struggle. Three words in this section begin with an S and have a UGG in the middle.
They will need to build a decent o-line for that offense while figuring out how to address opposing passing games on defense, as they lack for both pressure and coverage at the moment.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 ships unloaded.

North Eastern Terriers
This team trends a bit old, a bit volatile, and a bit defensive.
One good thing about them is that there's some firepower on both sides of the ball. Despite the circumstances for this side in the draft (wishing you and your family well, NEWarrior!), the offense boasts a trio of solid WRs and a couple slow but skilled RBs, while the defense has a few beasts, particularly MLB Thomas Triplett.
One unfortunate bit is that many of the best and most vital players on the team have particularly high volatility, leaving a lot to the mercy of training camp.
They will need to continue to compile a balanced, respectable arsenal of options so that when team ownership returns, they will be able to still shape things to their preferences and ambitions.
Progress rating: 60% of doggies are good doggies.

Nottingham Arrows
This team trends low-vol offensive picks across the age spectrum.
One good thing about them is an incredibly promising pass-first offense is coming together in Nottingham. Michael Jennings could develop into a top-tier quarterback, and he's already spoiled for choice on targets and protected by a competent, experienced o-line.
One unfortunate bit is that a few of their key players in particular are late in their careers, and will likely be gone or on the way out by the time the younger contingent is ready to play their fullest alongside them.
They will need to think about how that aging will phase over the next few years and possibly take a shot at some mid-career guys to bridge the gap between young and old. This might require being a bit more bold with volatility.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 arrows striking the bullseye.

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FB South
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Cheesy Philly
This team trends towards a youngish, offensive-leaning balance.
One good thing about them is that, to no one's surprise, they're ready to pass the ball. Will Smith's a capable QB with ultra-low volatility, and he's got an arsenal of targets and a solid offensive line purpose-built for the job.
One unfortunate bit is this comes at the expense of everything else. RB Djiboutian Franc isn't the fastest runner out there, and the defense, while boasting a few assets already, still has a while to go.
They will need to remember that there's more to life than passing the ball, if they want their defense to help turn points into a lead. Then again, if there's any team ready for a shootout, it's this one.
Progress rating: Recent polls show that 60% of moms are scared and considering having their sons move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

Hong Kong Kings
This team trends young, defensive, and slightly low-vol.
One good thing about them is that they're in a good position in assembling a complete team. The defensive starters are mostly locked down and even boast a bit of d-line depth, while the core of the offensive line--the trickiest part of building an offense--is good to go.
One unfortunate bit is that one wonders if these first sixteen picks are good value for draft 'money'. Many of the players taken in the first three days are clever finds with the stats to excel at one, and only one, specific use. However, many of these players would've likely been around later in the draft than when they were taken, and more traditional talent could've been recruited with those core choices.
They will need to continue to plumb the depths for talent, as they have been, and hope that outcome matches the confidence put in this approach.
Progress rating: 3 out of 5 diamonds on the crown are, in fact, real.

Los Angeles Earthquake
This team trends fairly young, highish vol, and offense-first.
One good thing about them is the monstrous o-line that they've managed to assemble. Especially considering how young they are, this should be a solid foundation for the team for a good decade or so. And they've even managed to put some solid players behind it!
One unfortunate bit is much of that o-line, as well as some other key components on both sides of the ball, are boasting some scary volatility numbers, so a bad TC could sink much of what makes this team great. Or it could all work out and they'll be world-beaters; if history has proven anything about me and MFN, it's that I am always wrong about everything.
They will need to put together a defense to compliment their offense while considering where a safe pick or two mgiht be needed in case things go wrong.
Progress rating: A menacing 6.0 out of 10 on the Richter scale!

Nice Baguettes
This team trends experienced, low-vol, and slightly towards offense.
One good thing about them is they have a good start on a brutal two-dimensional offense built to pummel their foes. QB Jules Leblanc stands behind the start of a solid o-line, has an outstanding RB by him in Daniel Johnson, and can throw to two assertive tight ends or a WR swift enough to keep defenses honest.
One unfortunate bit is that beyond DT Jose Blalock, the defense doesn't have too much talent. There's some perfectly serviceable players among their ranks, even some outright clever picks, but pass coverage could prove a liability for them.
They will need to complete that promising o-line and find another couple WRs for Leblanc while picking some OLBs and DBs that can give opposing receivers a bad day.
Progress rating: Not quite a baker's dozen, 12 out of 20.

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FB West
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Balsicas Bullfighters
This team trends experienced, a bit defensive, and a bit vol-leaning.
One good thing about them is that they've done well to find some talented players, particularly along the lines. Despite sigh-worthy names, Bunghole, Dipthong, and Crapulence, form the start of a great offensive line, while Flannel and the gang can get it done in the trenches on defense.
One unfortunate bit is the offense still lacks for an identity. A QB who's all-arm has a couple interesting targets in front of him, but he'll need more than that, and a running game will need to manifest, before this squad's potential is put into force.
They will need to spend some time on Day 4 acquiring some key pieces for that offense before filling out the roster in its entirety.
Progress rating: I'll give the Bullfighters a 6.olé! out of 10.

Florence Fools
This team trends extremely young, higher vol, and a little towards offense.
One good thing about them is that they've got some serious talent on both sides of the ball. CBs Kilmer and Snare are a dangerous duo and whichever QB emerges as the starter will have a decent suite of talented targets to target.
One unfortunate bit is the high volatility on some of these players. A few of the iffier picks on the team could pop into solid starters, but if they bust the question will be whether or not they stick around on the team. The highest volatility of all is star WR Super Grover, though we are talking about Super Grover here so I'm sure everything will go without incident.
They will need to make the rest of the picks with a thought to ensuring a safe, tolerable level of performance across the roster, just in case things do go wrong.
Progress rating: Only 3 fools out of 5 horses work.

Penrith Lions
This team trends old, consistently mid-volatility, and towards offense.
One good thing about them is, again, that experience might pay off for the first year or so, as most of their players are at full potential and can square off against rookies that aren't ready for primetime. Their equal-opportunity policy has also led them to pick up some superb talent.
One unfortunate bit is those older players and the awkward phasing this brings about. The high experience suggests a bowl-or-bust mentality, especially since many of these players will be risky contract extensions in the future. But QB Napoleon Whitmore--a potential star--and RB Frank Bell are both quite young and will need a year or so before they'll be feeling themselves, which could hold back the vets.
They will need to avoid taking on too many more older players to prevent a retirement wave within the next few seasons. You get 46 picks in the foundation draft but only 7 per year after that!
Progress rating: A 60% senior discount at the local diner.

Tillamook Sharknado
This team trends pretty experienced, fairly high vol, and a bit towards offense.
One good thing about them is that they are built to pass the ball while stopping you from doing the same. QB Gregory Hughes has an excellent arm and is spoiled for choice by the trio of great WRs in front of him, while CB Rufus Esquivel looks to be the highlight of a brutal secondary.
One unfortunate bit is, like with division mates Penrith, phasing is going to be an awkward trick. While this team has a ton of experience, their youth is concentrated in their key players, particularly the aforementioned Hughes and Esquivel. This could cut into their ability to enjoy their older stars in their prime.
They will need to complete a talented roster while drafting for the future as well as today. While it might hurt, Hughes' 25 current accuracy might mean seeking out a decent backup to play for a year or two.
Progress rating: 60 out of 100 of a shark's teeth are spares that replace the front row if they're lost.

There. I'm done. Never ask me for anything ever again... at least until after Week 13.

Season By The Script Week #1

This is my traditional week 1 - set the bar low special. Partly to encourage new contributors - go on you want to really and is a lot of fun! Partly to give the most basic template of a simple match by match commentary - which you DON'T have to use - we encourage weird, whacky, and frankly bizarre, so anything goes, but if you want to get started this season - this is pretty easy - you DO NOT have to watch each match (God forbid) but just scanning the results you can pick up the flavour of most games and its fun to have your team shouted out or a star player mentioned. SO why not give it a go - this took about an hour.

Slammers 3 @ Paris 9

Well go to Paris and get a good old kicking – but in the nicest possible way! (apart from the Can-Can) Three FG's vs 1 – and would be easy to write off as a snore fest but actually both teams QBs put up decent numbers Fugue 23 from 27 and Landry 22 from 27, but the Paris defence just outshone the Slammers with 5 sacks (M. Bouffant with 2) to Slammers 3 forced fumbles. Two pretty decent teams to be watched.

Dragons 12 @ Auctioneers 17

Well no one gets a golden gavel here (I claim the first Bargain Hunt ref for the Auctioneers – ha! (apologies to non followers of daytime UK TV)). The Dragons claim the spoils re yardage, time of possession but just forgot to score more points. The Auctioneers shrugged off such niceties and early TD passes from Hankins to Valuer for first half TD's brought the hammer down on this one.

Earthquake 9 @ Raptors 7

Like a scene from a Ray Harryhausen movie a badly made up iguana fell into an unconvincing hole in the table while the superimposed crowd fled in horror (maybe enough with this idea – ed.) Anyway its was uglier than the scoreline suggested I have no idea what the Raptors were up to but they only clocked up 97 total yards to the Earthquakes 373 so 9-7 is a result. I suspect a cunning plan. (Do I? Do I really?)

Railriders 26 @ Kings 13

I swear the evil spirit of Terry Im will hang round the Kings until the end of time. Two good balanced teams, except the Kings QB Brown maybe still unfamiliar with his own WR's. The railriders Kicker Wheeler (0-6-0?) slots over 4 from 4 and QB Martinez connects for 2TD's while Manual Davidson steals the limelight with a 106 yds KO return.

Bullfighters 3 @ Slamhounds 9 (OT)

First OT of the new league, as if 60 mins of this nonsense wasn't enough for any sensible person. It was like the River Cam in the wet dreams of Jacob Rees-Mogg – punt, punt, punt.... Two kicks in normal time – it was a major relief when Roger Page ran in the winner for the Slamhounds in OT.

Pilots 22 @ Anarchy 10

Anarchy you say! Absolutely lets not do anything mundane! first ever score for the Edlington franchise is a 27 yd pick off by the Ominously named Dexter Sinister for TD. The Pilots however look a solid outfit and QB Lazaro not put off immediately responds with a 71yd pass and run in for McGuire and a TD. Tide kind of turned from then and after an exchange of FG's Pilots superiority told and ran out comfortable winners.

Philly 34 @ Sharknado 10

Two wizened hardened old MFN campaigners battled it out, but clealry Will Smith and the boys have clicked into gear much quicker than the slumbering Sharknado. Pass heavy as always but cant argue with nearly 400 passing yds and 140 rushing yds. Will is clealry out to set the standards for passing yds and TD's. Just don't insult his wife.

Wildcats 6 @ Cubs 42

Oof! a hard old start for the wildcats with a bruising encounter at the Cubs. 412-34 yds kind of tells the tale. Cubs Pope and Winfrey (new detective series perhaps?) connected 3 times so maybe competition for Will Smith and the Philly? Wildcats Dr Quincy had one of those 2.82 rated days, bring on the next game.

Crazy Wolves 7 @ Fools 22

Crazy like a Fool. Leeroy Jenkins runs for 124 yards, and the Fools dominated the possession, time and scoreboard. Crazy Wolves showed signs of promise as QB Brown threw Sumpans first TD and walked off with a reasonable 86 rating.

Soneros 9 @ Screamers 31

Two titans of Electrosports faced off at La Pajarena Montevideo, and despite almost identical numbers (242-249 net, 79-76 rushing, 183-173 passing, 40/27 – 41/21) It was the shrieking chickens that converted their chances Dial passing for 3TD's. On the downside both allowed multiple sacks and Soneros fumbled 4 times – so expect both teams to only get better!

North Stars 16 @ Rhinos 10

Again a old reunion of perennial winners and it was as close as expected, with perhaps two of the most competent performances in the league this week. In the end it was perhaps the Stars running display with 173 yds that tipped the balance, Parker and Hall clocking up 70 yds each with 9 10+ efforts between them. The Rhinos more pass focussed Offense was just not as efficient with McMillan completing 28 from 41 but with only a long of 16yds. Good game, good teams, two clear contenders.

Lengths 3 @ Echidnas 12

First of the BC west match ups – old dog vs new pup, a tough ask. So the Lengths will be disappointed that despite matching up well a fumble after pass by one of the 53 Kiellor brothers gave Ovide Y Saphron the opportunity to recoover and run in for a 22 yd TD for the Defence (always the best type of TD). Saphron topped off his stellar D-Day with a game high 9 tackles.

Elders 10 @ Arrows 6

Kind of a wild one here at the Seattle stadium ….. Nottingham? A good win for the Elders who really dominated the Arrows, who are presumably confused by the hot weather and still sporting Cricketing whites. Star for the Elders was RB Elvis Peacock who dialled up 163 yds including a genuine from play 72 yd TD rush. Arrows with a couple of FG's but a game with plenty of fumbles, and all sorts of football shenanigans.

Mean Machine 0 @ Prodigies 18

Move along nothing to see here. (And this my friends is why you volunteer to write SBTS.)

Terriers 0 @ Harbourmasters 5

5-0? What? How? Who? Why? 6 Interceptions, 5 Fumbles, 3 Missed FG's, and a SA-AAA-AAAA-FF-TEEEE.

Baguettes 6 @ Lions 72

Lets say mistakes were made. And the Lions broke the scoreboard. And probably league records were broken. And stuff happened. We'll know more about the Lions as the season goes on and the Baguettes will presumably have some tinkering to do.

There all done - Sorry Soz I thought of doing a proper one for our game but I couldn't see the keyboard through my tears.

Time for ElectrosportsCenter (DUH-NUH-NUH DUH-NUH-NUH)

Let’s get straight into recapping the week of games before the baseball takes over again. There were some fun games, some low scores and well... a game of the week. But that’s all over now as we finish up Week 2 and start seeing where everyone lies in their divisions.

Lions @ Bullfighters (Bullfighters won 17-7)
If there ever was a game where someone came crashing back down to earth, it was this one. The Lions just didn’t know what to do and were probably too cocky from last weeks’ beatdown to even put up a fight. Bullfighters deserved that victory, and rightly so off the back of 14 tackles combined from Clarissa Woodwind and Mary Palaver (oh, and a sack). The Lions had no say in this one.

Next Week

• The Lions head home, facing a two-game home stretch, starting with the Sumpan Crazy Wolves.
• The Bullfighters, start a two-game road trip, with a visit to the Forbidden City.

Screamers @ Auctioneers (Auctioneers won 5-3)
Another close one, and very little scoring. Something must be in the Gatorade this season. I think most of the fans fell asleep during the second and third quarters of that one, nothing happened. The Screamers seem to be able to move the ball down the field (20 first downs to 9) but converting that to points seems to be the issue (3 red zone visits, 3 points). Credit to Robert Barbosa, getting two sacks and Richard Farrell with 4 sacks (and 7 tackles).

Next Week

• The Screamers will be heard when they head to Derry and face the 0-2 Mean Machine.
• Porth Emmett will take that undefeated record to Paris and face the mighty Republicains.

Arrows @ Dragons (Arrows won 16-10)
Now, this was a display. After a sleepy first quarter, the game came alive a bit more until an amazing finish, albeit a losing one for the Dragons again. Not a whole lot to separate these two teams, the Arrows a bit better on the ground, the Dragons edging it in the air. What didn’t help the Dragons was having four drives for negative yardage in the game and their ability to not hold the ball for much time in those drives. I did, however, like the look of Yuan Shao (25/40, 279 yards, 1 TD, 91.56 QBR). He is showing some promise out of the rookies this year.

Next Week

• Nottingham, at 1-1, will welcome the Terriers to town this week.
• The Dragons welcome the Bullfighters to the Five Dragons Pavilion.

Harbourmasters @ Slammers (Slammers won 27-13)
More points on offer, probably a game worth watching the replay of again. Nice to see another safety rear its head again this week. I’d say the Harbourmasters can feel let down with that display when they take 6 minutes off the clock on their first drive and then simply just fumble the ball 31 yards out from scoring. Was a game to remember for Slammers running back Larry Larson, 131 yards on the ground, and despite not getting into the endzone, still a great performance to help the aerial show.

Next Week

• The Harbourmasters will travel back home (hopefully by air) and get ready to say hello to the Echidnas.
• Seattle stay comfy at home, this time getting the Elders of the FB East as visitors.

Terriers @ Elders (Elders won 19-6)
Some midweek shenanigans didn’t stop the Terriers from trying to take it to the Elders this week, but they did see 2 scores in the opening three drives from the Elders. The downside is that they were beaten all over the park, despite the amazing efforts of Gregory Alaniz to take it 99 yards back for the score. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for the Terriers, they are getting there, however, they may want to look towards Austin Chavarria next week, Vernon Johnson with a lowly 6/26, 67 yards and 2 interceptions (QBR 7.53).

Next Week

• North Eastern will have to pick themselves up quickly, with a visit to the Arrows as their next assignment.
• Entebbe, sitting at 2-0, will take that record and try to make it three when they face Seattle.

Fools @ Earthquake (Fools won 10-8)
What is it with these low-scoring games... and another safety. That’s three in one week. This game, despite the low score, actually stayed quite close, even when the Fools got the field goal to take the lead with 8 minutes left on the clock. Couldn’t really split these two today, it could have gone either way. Whatever the Fools did on defence, it helped, restricting Mike Tyson to a paltry 95 yards from 23 attempts. Nice to see Ed Ketchup get his name on the sheet, with 3 tackles and a sack, even if the Earthquake sacked Bill Henderson 4 times.

Next Week

• The Fools, sitting pretty at the top of the FB West standings will look to make it a third win, when they face the Bohemian Cubs.
• Los Angeles, who many predicted to win the division, will need to get a move on, starting with a home stand against Cheesy Philly.

Philly @ Railriders (Philly won 30-6)
The game can be easily put down to the incomplete passes of Eric Martinez. Had he not gone 8/22, 84 yards; then maybe the Railriders could have made this one a bit closer. Four punts and an interception on the opening 5 drives, sadly, there is no coming back from that one. Philly piled on the points with 3 touchdowns in their opening four drives and 6 redzone visits for the game (compared to 0 for the Railriders). Surprising that neither team went for it on 4th down for the whole game. The one shining light for the Railriders was running back David Fodor, getting 107 yards on 18 carries.

Next Week

• Philly have a matchup against the Earthquake next week to contend with, looking to keep their win streak alive.
• The Railriders take the show on the road when they visit the Reasonable Lengths.

Baguettes @ Kings (Baguettes won 13-3)
I wouldn’t say that anything was going bad with Hong Kong, but they aren’t seeming to get the ball to where it really needs to be, limited to a single field goal. Their defence was able to hold off on letting the Baguettes, who were coming off that infamous 66-point drubbing last week, from getting away with it, but that early touchdown in the fourth quarter was the nail in the coffin. Nice to see William Brown again get over 100 yards passing, but the day belonged to Lepain, with 76 yards on 23 attempts and a touchdown. A nice touch to also see punter Julio FedEx punting today.

Next Week

• Nice head home, to face the might of the Tillamook Sharknado.
• Hong Kong won’t have much time to lick their wounds, they have to head off to face the 2-0 Pilots.

Raptors @ Slamhounds (Raptors won 15-3)
Field goals are plenty here, with neither side really able to make anything work in the air or on the ground when it actually mattered. A sack fest as well, with 8 sacks in the whole game. Both quarterbacks struggled in the conditions, but at least the Raptors were able to convert the only two times someone actually got into the redzone today. The Slamhounds suffered from 5 punts, an interception and a fumble on their first 7 drives, where the Raptors at least could convert a couple of those field goals early. A day for the kickers, with Bert Clever getting all three field goals.

Next Week

• The Raptors will try to get a second win, when they face the Anarchy next week.
• Star City, who will also be looking for another win, face off against the Wildcats.

GAME OF THE WEEK - Cubs @ Echidnas (Echidnas won 19-15)
I'd say this lived up to the hype of the game of the week. You’d also think there was another safety in this one, but there wasn’t. Just looks to be a missed extra point. Actually, two of them. Not a good day for John Williams, but a perfect day for Fair Dinkum. Seems both sides failed to get any real traction on this one, the Echidnas getting 5 redzone visits and coming away with three field goals, and the touchdown to Jackie Legs, while the Cubs just suffered on the ground, managing only 32 yards, mostly all to Robert Hussey.

Next Week

• The Cubs will travel back home and get ready for the Fools to visit town.
• Echunga take the show on the road and visit Harnosand in a battle of 2-0 and 1-1 teams.

Mean Machine @ North Stars (North Stars won 6-3)
What is it with low-scoring games and games that seem to only have field goals? Nothing much really to say about this one. Both teams struggled on the ground (77 yards for the North Stars, 47 for the Mean Machine). Everything about this screamed that the kickers did all the work. Qyntenterria Plato had a game to forget, giving up 5 tackles and 4 sacks in the process. 502 punting yards from William Kendrick seems to be the bright spark, he can at least kick the ball some distance.

Next Week

• Derry will need to get something going, starting with a matchup at home against Montevideo.
• Stockholm head off on a road trip, a short jaunt to the Netherlands to play the Dutch Prodigies.

Anarchy @ Rhinos (Rhinos won 20-17)
Now, finally... some action, and a close one. This one went down almost to the final seconds if it wasn’t for a lovely 26-yard field goal to close it out. The Anarchy can take massive positives from this one, they kept up with the Rhinos all the way and really should look at this game as the turning point for what could be a good season. Barry Scott throwing for 257 yards and a couple of scores, that has to be positive. Love seeing The Fridge with a 100+ yard reception game, and even two scores himself. What a performance there.

Next Week

• Edlington will look to get a win in the column when they face the might of the Raptors.
• Cape Town get a visit from the 0-2 Soneros next week, in another home game for them.

Sharknado @ Crazy Wolves (Sharknado won 17-0)
A shutout victory for Tillamook. Really nothing the Crazy Wolves could do in this one, only managing 4 first downs all game, at 71 total offensive yards, compared to 364 for the Sharknado, who managed to essentially shut the game down in the third quarter. Quimbus Baconmaker had a quiet day (12/24, 129 yards, 1 TD), which most of the yards coming on the ground, with Tillamook just pounding away at the Crazy Wolves defence all day. Orlando Ries having another kick to forget, this time from 54 yards.

Next Week

• Tillamook head to France to taste some pastries, and also to play the Baguettes in the game of the week.
• The Crazy Wolves will head on down to The Lions Den to face off against the (hopefully) more humble Penrith Lions.

Paris @ Soneros (Paris won 31-10)
What is happening with Zena this season, many were predicting them to be leading this division, even I thought they would be 2-0, not 0-2 and staring down the barrel of whatever it is they are looking at. 24-7 at halftime, that is almost a rugby score. I’d like to think that this is just scheduling issues and they aren’t that bad, Harry Abney sitting on the turf more times than even I think he would like to be (6 sacks). A great day if you are Opponindem Nonklebing, with 173 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns, a perfect performance from him.

Next Week

• Paris will take that undefeated record to Porth Emmett, with a matchup against the also undefeated Auctioneers.
• Zena will need to pick up the pieces quickly, as they head off to Cape Town to face the Rhinos.

Lengths @ Prodigies (Lengths won 9-3)
Not another field goal frenzy game... what else is there to say here? Vincent Keillor had a nice day, banging over 3 field goals in the win, Antonio Manuel getting one back late for the Prodigies, but not making much effort in the final three minutes to get the ball back for a late drive. Not really much else to say here.

Next Week

• Reasonable Lengths will travel back home and face off against the Railriders.
• Dutch will welcome the Stockholm team to town next week, in a battle for supremacy.

Pilots @ Wildcats (Pilots won 22-7)
Give credit to the Wildcats, they took the lead early, and it took the Pilots nearly a whole quarter to get into the groove and start showing off the magic that they have. Restricting the Wildcats to a poor 9 yards of passing really helped, William Vale getting two sacks along with his 5 tackles. The touchdown pass from Dr. Quincy to Robert Candelaria was a nice touch, and something to work on over the week for the Wildcats.

Next Week

• Portland take their 2-0 record back home as they get ready to face off against the Kings.
• The Wildcats will have to shake this one off quickly, they have to travel to Star City and the Slamhounds.

Week 3 Season by the Script


Welcome to Season by the Script 3, written and produced by your friendly fake neighbourhood Frenchman. So I'll go find the Gramophone, put on some Jacques Brel and show you all it doesn't all have to be proper journalism, we can be silly to!

Crazy Wolves 0 @ Lions 24
Like a some bloke in Pizza Express, the Lions don't even have to break a sweat (allegedly) to beat the Crazy Wolves who are still in fairness, getting a grip on things.

Bullfighters 12 @ Dragons 14
The Big Scary Dragons use the power of the Chinese Fireball and their big Scary Dragoness to leave the Bullfighters to faceplant in the Paella in a what could have been for the Cow Wranglers.

Kings 12 @ Pilots 6
Much like a wayward teenager in a Nightclub, Terry Im is universally known for his terrible completion rate. Pilots bought back down to earth with a bit of bump, only time will tell if they can pick themselves up again.

Screamers 25 @ Mean Machine 7
Having only asked for directions for the toilet, Screamers were surprised when Derry’s Defensive Coordinator sent them the entire gameplan just before kickoff.

Elders 10 @ Slammers 16
The Slammers won't be eating their porridge in the slammer after that performance. Elders perhaps in need of some young and fresh ideas come their next game.

Les Republicains 22 @ Auctioneers 16
In the battle of Patisserie vs Pasty. Paris restore order the Universe by looking scary and top of division. Auctioneers need more practice with a Devon Growler* to learn how to throw further, in a more consistent manner.

*It's an effing huge Pasty.... I've been on holiday.... Go with it!

Philly 16 @ Earthquake 13
Soft white cheese enough to quell the rumblings of the Earthquake. Philly doing the only thing they know and Earthquake doing their best to control the rampage of Cheese.

Echidnas 17 @ Harbourmasters 14 (OT)
Echidnas doing what Echidnas do best... winning! No idea what a Echidnas is? Harbourmasters holding out until the high tide was too much for them in Overtime.

North Stars 20 @ Prodigies 3
Speaking of Overtime, the North Stars look like an easy match up. Order is restored!

Soneros 30 @ Rhinos 12
Like a Genoese, Soneros make a light and airy performance to run rings around the Rhinos who find themselves unable to make much of a mark.

Railriders 18 @ Lengths 0
Rocking, Rolling, Riding, Railriders showing the way as the Reasonable Lengths unable to rise to the occasion.

Anarchy 20 @ Raptors 23
Causing chaos, Anarchy run the Raptors close but overall should be pretty disappointed with the stats they put up. Raptors famous Claw and Flap defence nearly letting them down.

Wildcats 6 @ Slamhounds 13
Star City blasting off with a second win of the season leaving a present for the Wildcats to show how it’s done in the meantime. However, they fail to make orbit with only 7 points in the win at the end and some Stats that will no doubt some head scratching at launch control. Wildcats showing signs they might be getting to grips with things.

Fools 16 @ Cubs 0
Florence make fools of our Avant Guard Boys Scouts troupe as Cubs fail to score. Fools are no fools having made a good start to the season.

Sharknado 17 @ Baguettes 0
Shark attack leaves Frenchman’s baguette limp and broken, US Ambassador Summoned!

North Eastern Terriers 0 @ Nottingham Arrows 30
Arrows beat dogs! Robin Hood has no mercy these days!

And that's you Week 3 Season 1 Mk3 Season by the Script, available for a Weekly Subscription, sent to your door daily as a Floppy Disc, all for the value price of £3.00 per hour and the soul of your First Born Quarterback!

Season by the Script week 4

Railriders 22 Anarchy 10
Anarchy were flying high, Railriders stayed on tracks on the ground and thanked for all the interceptions, Barry Scott might be wondering what happened.

Auctioneers 17 Arrows 15
A really tight game and when you look at the stats it should’t have been, the Auctioneers were dominating everything, but only manage a win by a safety.

Terriers 0 Dragons 55
The terriers hoped to come out barking, but only a small yelp were heard it was the Dragons that were breading fire and setting this game on fire, the Terriers have to go back to the dog house and think about what happened.

Rhinos 12 Cubs 25
This was really a game of neither team wanting to have the ball with a total of 7 interception, but it was the Cubs that took down the rhinos with the winning formula if you can’t throw it , Kick It!

Crazy Wolves 6 Pilots 12
So far the closest game for the Wolves, but they were in the end out maneuvered by the Pilots
All points coming on field goals as neither team really didn’t close to the opponents endzone

Wildcats 3 Raptors 28
What is that? is it a plane is it a bird,, is what the Wildcats must have wondered as the Raptors dominated in the air as well on the ground,

Slamhounds 10 Fools 11
Slamhounds almost made fools out of the Fools as they only manage to secure the victory with a field goal after being behind the whole game decpite dominating both Passing and running.

Bullfighters 13 Lions 14
Another tight game where the lions show that they are the kings of the animal world, the Bullfighters coach must have taken a long talk with their kicker as he missed the extra point that would have taken this to OT

Baguettes 3 Philly 17
Philly shows ones and for all the Cheese goes on top of bread as they decpite not making much progress on the field still manages 2 TD’s, guess it’s not about the yards , but what you do with the yards you make.

Kings 5 Earthquake 16
The Kings had problems standing up as the Earthquake came rolling in, with only less then half the yards on the ground and 2 missed field goals.

Harbourmasters 7 Sharknado 33
The harbourmasters must have thought this was the game to win for them as James Ford does the Play of the week with a spectacular 110 yard TD on kick off. But the fun ended fast as Sharknado showed them how to really play the game.


Paris 7 Elders 0
WHAT?? What happened was there a game going on??, The crowd must have been asking tha same thing as Paris win with 2 sachs and a field goal, but i guess any points counts.The elders coach screaming to their QB, Throw the ball!!!!!

Soneros 20 Slammers 17 (OT)
Couldn’t really get any closer as the Soneros win it on overtime, The slammers had the momentum going in to OT but coudn’t keep it going.

North Stars 10 Echidnas 14
Echinadas had one of the worst first plays yet as Knuckles gets sacked and Stanley Ray picks up the ball for A TD, but they didn’t let it get to them, picked them selfs up and took the win.

Screamers 22 Lengths 13
The Screamers, scream(in frustration) their way to victory looking at the stats this should have been a walk in the park but became a visit to the hounted house.

Prodigies 13 Mean Machine 10
Not much to write home about as neither team really got anywhere on the field, the Prodigies took best advantage of the stalemate and can take the busride home with a win in the trunk.


Week 4 thrown together at the last minute after a late cancelation of the original writer(he will be back tomorrow instead), my first try at this, hope it’s not to bad.

No subscription fee for this week, but double for next week instead.

The Portland Print

Season by the Script Edition

Massive heat wave edition (Featuring the editor alone in the office)!|

(Transcript taken from the Portland Print Podcast)

Hello all and welcome back to the Portland Print! It’s been awhile folks, and much like the Pilots season as of late, this heat wave has us melting into a puddle of goop, so I’ll be brief (the rest of the staff refused to come in today)

Baguettes (3) @ Earthquake (20):
We’re starting off with a blowout here, with the baguettes apparently bringing all of their oft praised pastry products for marketing. But I suppose the players had too much to eat on the flight over, because they were no match for the speed and precision of the Earthquakes in this match! Luckily for the Baguettes, it’s back home to pastry land to host the Philly Cheesecakes, which titan of unhealthy foods will prevail, only time will tell. As for the Earthquakes, they are off to see the elders, hoping to shake rattle and roll the old folks into a tizzy.

Echidnas (9) @ Anarchy (22):
Well, the Anarchy lived up to their name here, running amok of the Echidnas and proudly defending their home turf. (Side note, as anarchists, are they even allowed to call their head stadium... theirs?) Anywho, The Echidnas are off to host the terriers, perhaps their porcupine like outside will keep the terriers from cuddling them to death? As for the Anarchy, they’ll be hosting the kings next, and I’ve heard they’ve even brought out a guillotine in case the rival coach gets too close to them!

Fools (9) @ Terriers (6):
Speaking of the Terriers, they were made a fool of by… the Fools (The pilots can relate), ousted from their home turf by a single field goal, they’ll be off to visit the Echidnas and hopefully have better luck retrieving the ball from the opposing side. As for the Fools, they’ll be hoping not to get slammed by the Slammers at their home game! And if they do, I’m sure they’ll just see it as a way to show off some true jester talent.

Did I mention the heat? We best hurry things along.

Lions (16) @ Arrows (10):
Oh Arrows, thout archery skills wert less than impressiveth against ye Lions, who brought you down with cruel field goals that were most fair. I will wiseth thee best of luck whilst hosting the Mean Machine, who are devious and cunning. The Lions will be visiting their closest of relatives, the wildcats, in a nature game that will surely be for the ages.

Lengths (13) @ Mean Machine (16):
The Lengths were brought down by some shenanigans on the Mean Machines part, truly par for the course of that cunning mind. They will not face off the against the North Stars on the Stars own turf, we here at the Print wish them the bestest of luck. As for the Machine, as mentioned they will be bringing their oft spoken of cunning to bear against the Arrows.

Elders (2) @ Auctioneers (27):
We here at the print believe the auctioneers simply enthralled the elders and their social security earnings with stunning items at the pre-game auction, because they didn’t show at all! Hopefully they’ll be able to show off some moves when the Earthquake come rocking into town. As for the Auctioneers, they’ll be off to Paris to try and sell some rare items to the highest bidder, or perhaps be looking to replenish their stocks of rare and unique items?

Dragons (17) @ Screamers (6):
The Screamers were obviously not loud enough here, being drowned out by the roar of the Dragons fans dominating the stadium as they pummeled on the field. Perhaps they will find their voice again when they go off to visit the Soneros! As for the Dragons, they’ll be swooping in from their victory hoping to dominate against the Harbourmasters as they raid Angevallen for all it’s loot and plunder.

Railriders (13) @ Crazy Wolves (7):
They came in like an out of control locomotive, the Railriders with the win here on their whistle stop tour of the Crazy Wolves Stadium, continuing their 4 W streak they’ve had since the second game of the season, and hoping to continue with that streak when they race home to defend their station against the Raptors! As for the Wolves, they will be staying at home to host the Cubs, and perhaps show that they are the alphas of the pack.

Wildcats (3) @ Sharknado (28):
The Wildcats got to meet a Sharknado, and definitely came off the worse for wear here. I mean, it makes sense, what creature would intentional go into a sharknado, that’s just asking for a bite or 20! They’ll be heaving back home to host the Lions as previously mentioned, perhaps not having to play in water will improve their chances. As for the Sharknado, they’ll be trying to not be distracted by the massive red cape in the bullfighters arena.

Cubs (0) @ Slamhounds (18):
This game sent Pilots fans into a terror induced frenzy, with the Slamhounds slamming the Cubs around like newborn pups. The cubs will be continuing their tour of the world with a visit to the Crazy Wolves, a game that betters are projecting to be an even match. As for the Slamhounds, well, they’ll be dodging the air defenses of the Pilots and hoping for a safe landing. And that’s even before the match and pre game beer festival!

Raptors (12) @ Kings (10):
Rumors purport that the Raptors snatched the King’s crown in this one, running away with true speed while the crownless king hopelessly chased after them. With reports of other dinosaurs appearing to cheer the Raptors on. Their next prey will be the home of the Railriders, and hoping for some juicy prey at the station. As for the Kings, they will be attempting to put down the anarchy of the Anarchy.

Philly (20) @ Bullfighters (3):
The bullfighters speed and skill was no match for the sheer number of cheesecakes and cheesesteaks the Phillies launched of them. Apparently, although disheartened at the loss, the Bullfighters enjoyed a spending feast afterwards provided by the Philly’s. The Philly will be heading to the bakery of the Baguettes next, whilst the Bullfighters will be cleaning up the ring in preparation for the Sharknado’s arrival.

Pilots (0) @ North Stars (16):
According to the Pilots coach, the defense played like absolute [redacted] and the team as a whole had as much quality as Seattles “best” microbrews. With the North Stars absolutely running amock in the stadium. Here’s hoping that a better result will await the Pilots when the Slamhounds come visiting, but knowing the Pilots, well… as for the North Stars, they will be rocketing back home to host the Lengths.

Prodigies (7) @ Soneros (16):
The prodigies definitely misplaced their name for this one, with the Soneros even managing a siesta at half time and still managing to dominate even with those notorious post nap sleep syndromes. The Prodigies will be heading home to face the Rhinos, whilst the Soneros will be heading back home to host the Screamers, we suggest ear mufflers.

Paris (28) @ Harbourmasters (7):
The Paris players decided to try their hand at boating, and much like the old naval combat exposes at the palace of Versailles, found it much to their liking. The harbourmasters meanwhile will be hoping to repair the damage before the Dragons come a calling next week. Paris meanwhile will be heading home to deal with the never to be sufficiently listened to Auctioneers!

Slammers (6) @ Rhinos (24):
The Rhinos showed why the tusk is mightier than the… fist slam? In this one, running the Slammers round till they dropped from the exhaustion of trying to chase very vast, and very heavy, animals. The Slammers will be heading off to see the Fools next week, and they should keep eyes in the backs of their heads for tricks and shenanigans. As for the Rhinos, they will be looking to run over the Prodigies at next weeks game.

This has been the Portland Print, the office itself is starting to melt, so I will quickly publish this before evacuating to the nearest ice cream store. Happy footballing!

Season By The Script: Week Six

The Pass and Catch: An Inside Look.
Something a little different for these weeks script. Today we will be looking at two stats for each team: Their best QB’s pass accuracy and the catching accuracy of the top two receivers on the team. Maybe we will discover something. Maybe not. We’re taking a look anyway!

Kings @ Anarchy

Kings top QB Terry Im with an accuracy of 55 moving up to 99 in a couple of years. Current top rated receivers: Papal Event-Horizon with pass catch of 50 moving up to 81 in the next two years. Frank Trombone with a pass catch of 64 moving up to 85 maybe towards the end of next season. The beatings will continue until those ratings improve.

Anarchy top QB Barry Scott with an accuracy of 75. Current top rated receivers: The Fridge with pass catch of 99 (Wowzers!). He Hate Me with a pass catch of 46 moving up to 77 maybe towards the end of next season. Barry Scott is ok, but the Anarchy need a high accuracy QB stat. The Fridge can’t catch bad passes.

Raptors @ Railriders

Raptors top QB Jose Angal Gonzalez with an accuracy of 88 moving up to 100 next season (Tasty!) Current top rated receivers: Kermit Clinton with a pass catch of 100 (Shazam!). Pierre-Hector Givango with a pass catch of 80 moving up to 100 maybe towards the end of next season. Next season is looking better already.

Railriders are currently using Phillip Stansberry as their starting QB with a pass accuracy of 65, maybe topping 69 by the end of season. I hope Phillip knows how to do a hand off because he has no business passing. Current top rated receivers: Kurt Hutchins with a pass catch of 99 and almost at 100! Robert Glover with a pass catch of 92. Both these receivers are frustrated. They're on a team where the QBs at best can do a hand off. If defenses haven’t figured out the Railriders only game is running I don’t know what they are doing. Riders should dump and bump the current QBs and ride out the first few painful years of a rookie QB from the draft.

Slamhounds @ Pilots

Slamhounds top rated QB Roger Williams has an accuracy of 54 moving up to nowhere. They should be using James Thompson with an accuracy of 77. Current top rated receivers: Guy Fallon with a pass catch of 60 and Ruben Hawkins with a pass catch of 80. Guy should be flipping burgers instead of flipping those passes right out of his hands. Passing to fifth year WR Chris Smith with a fantastic pass catch of 99 is a no-brainer depth-chart adjustment that needs to be made now! He’s slow, but at least he can catch. Button Hooks all day baby!

Pilots top QB Russell Lazaro with an accuracy of 79 is a good choice for them. Hopefully rookie QB Eddie Englehart will be up to his future accuracy of 88 by the time Lazaro retires in a few years. Current top rated receivers: Gregory “Pappy” Boyington with a pass catch of 100 is their “ace” up their sleeve (get it ace, WW2, oh never mind!) Paul Walling with a pass catch of 80 moving up to 92 maybe towards the end of next season. Shore up the offensive line and the Pilots will be even better!

Cubs @ Crazy Wolves

Cubs are using QB Merle Pope with an accuracy of 62 moving up to 66 towards the end of the season. Current top rated receivers: William Winfrey with a pass catch of 75 is out for 6 weeks. That’s OK. Pope couldn’t pass to him if he tried. I couldn’t find another player worthy of the title wide receiver. It might be time to call out the desperate option and put Melvin Kingsley in. At least he has an accuracy rating of 82. Unfortunately that’s about all he can do with an overall rating of 45. Cubs need to hope for last place to get some higher draft picks. That’s the only thing that’s going to save this team.

Crazy Wolves top QB Donald Brown with an accuracy of 100 is looking good! Current top rated receivers: Wolfgang Tailchase with pass catch of 91 and James Miller with a pass catch of 64. There is some younger talent on the team but they aren’t going to amount to much. Best bet for the Wolves is to get some more receiver talent. They have the QB. He just needs more targets.

Lions @ Wildcats

Lions top QB Napoleon Whitmare with an accuracy of 82 moving up to 100 in a couple of years. (Sweet!) Current top rated receivers: Tony Lockett with a pass catch of 81 almost up to 89 and Brian Lecuyer with a pass catch of 71 moving up to 79 soon. Keep the O-line healthy and this team passes all day.

Wildcats are running QB Dr. Quincy with an accuracy of 36 moving up to 94 in a couple of years. Current top rated receivers: Robert Candelaria with a pass catch of 76 moving up to 91 in the next two years. Verne Sweeting with a pass catch of 42 moving up to 82 in a couple of seasons. Wildcats should dump second string QB Joseph Paz to beef up their offense. It’s going to be painful for the next few years, but they will be seeing better pass reception percentages about season 3.

Auctioneers @ Paris

Auctioneers top QB Ruben Hankings has an accuracy rating of 85, almost 87. Very fine cut of beef there! Current top rated receivers: Richard Matson with a pass catch of 71 moving up to 91 in the next two years. Lynwood Dizon with a pass catch of 70 is out for two weeks with a *** arm. Getting better depth on the receiving charts will keep this team winning.

Paris top QB Mixolydian Fugue with an accuracy of 75 moving up to 90 in a couple of years.(Bam!) Current top rated receivers: Rolande Erotic-Spice with pass catch of 69 and it’s a toss up on who should follow. Segolene Saisir-Raide has a catch rating of 71, but can’t hang on to the ball to save his life. Young Mirrored Moons is at 57 and will be at 73 in a few seasons. My guess is they should run the ball hard and pick up some better receivers for that unstoppable one-two run/quick pass combo punch that Bangers loves.

Philly @ Baguettes

Philly’s top QB Will Smith with an accuracy of 71 moving up to 97 in a couple of seasons (Impressive, most impressive.). Current top rated receivers: Taylor Swift with pass catch of 81 moving up to 89 real soon. Imane Anys is crazy fast and has a 55 catch looking to hit 74 in a few seasons. He’s going to be a great CB decoy. No one is going to be able to shake off the Smith/Swift connection. It’s powerful.

Baguettes top QB Fromage Homage with an accuracy of 56 moving up to 78 in a couple of years. It might be best to put Gary Banks in as top QB with an accuracy of 81 until Homage gets his game on. Current top rated receivers: Cherry Halberd with pass catch of 76 moving up to 82 soon(Nice!) Pamela Potsnpans is going to take the number one spot in two seasons when she reaches 99 from her current 92. Wowzers! A good playbook and stronger line will move this team along.

Screamers @ Soneros

Screamers top QB Robert Whitworth with an accuracy of 86 moving up to 92 quickly is looking mighty nice. Current top rated receivers: Tyler Knight with a pass catch of 80 moving up to 95 in the next two years. Watch for him in the highlights. He’s good. Francisco Cluff with a pass catch of 70 moving up to 78 maybe towards the end of next season. This is going to be a great pass offense.

Soneros top QB Harry Abney with an accuracy of 72 moving up to 84 has a rocket arm. Current top rated receivers: There are no good receivers on the team at the moment. Hopefuls are Mark Zamora at 27 moving up to 80 in a few seasons and Charles Williams at 39 closing in on 78. Success for this team is running, running, running.

Lengths @ North Stars

The Length’s top QB is Gregory H. Keillor with an accuracy of 55 and moving nowhere fast. At best he’s a uniform model for Nike, tops. They would be better off putting in James Q Keiller with an accuracy of 79. Current top rated receivers: No receiver on this team is worthy of a name drop, ever. Get rid of Greg and find some receivers because having seven full backs on your team is just not going to get the wins you need.

North Star’s top QB James Marrero with an accuracy of 78 moving up to 100 in a couple of years. He’s got an atomic bomb for an arm. Current top rated receivers: Alfonso Clement with pass catch of 85 moving up to 93 very soon. The other receivers are pretty much on an equal footing, they are all bad together. The best bet for the Stars is to keep running and recruit some more targets for Marrero to throw to.

Slammers @ Fools

Slammers top QB Richard Landry with an accuracy of 87 is looking fantastic. Current top rated receivers: Kelly Webster with pass catch of 100, a recent trade from the Sharknado (why did I let him go :) ) There are several receivers on the team looking for glory in the future. Oscar Sinkler has the best potential catch rating at 100, but he won’t see that for a while. Other receivers are faster than Oscar, but can’t catch as well. That’s a Catch-22 for the owner.(Wah wah waaaaah) to decide who he’s going to keep.

The Fools top QB Biff Henderson with an accuracy of 57 moving up to 73 in a couple of years. We all know he’s just a meat-bag with a brain to hand the ball off to Leeroy Jenkins! Second string QB Bent Carrot isn’t any better. Current top rated receivers: Maybe Red Clifford on a good day (71 moving to 74). But we all know this team is built around one man. LEEROY JENKINS. Future recommendations for the team: LEEROY JENKINS!

Sharknado @ Bullfighters

The following commentary is completely biased because it’s my team.

Sharknado’s top QB Quimbus Baconmaker with an accuracy of 74 moving up to 100 took over the number one QB slot soon after the season began. He’s got an arm strength of 100. He’s the FNG that’s a BFG. Look out! Current top rated receivers: Stretch Armstrong with pass catch of 64 moving up to 84 in the next two years. Robert Powell with a pass catch of 74 is followed closely by a few other receivers, but they are mostly average. The Sharknado need to beef up the receiver depth chart to keep winning.

Bullfighters are running Tiberius Shambles as their top QB with an accuracy of 75 moving up to 92. He’s also got the arm strength to send it. Current top rated receivers: I couldn’t decide. They are all fairly meh. Mickey Widdershins is the receiver of the future. He’s currently at 51 but in two years should be at 100. He’s fast. Very fast. This team is going to struggle until they get better receiver depth. Tiberius deserves better targets!

Earthquake @ Elders

Earthquake top QB Mike Tyson with an accuracy of 77 moving up to 98 in a couple of years. He’s a rookie that is going places. Current top rated receivers: Jeffery Ottman with a pass catch of 83 moving into 90. James Adams with a pass catch of 80 moving up to 87 very fast. He also has a speed rating of 92. Prediction: Ottman is out of the number one slot next year or even at the end of this season. Looking good!

The Elders top QB Joe Montana with an accuracy of 86 is a very well established top QB. He’s dangerous! Current top rated receivers: Drew Hill with pass catch of 98 easily takes the top spot. The rest of the receivers are fairly mediocre. Some have a great catch rating like Sheldon Cadle at 99, but my grandma could outrun him and she’s been dead for over 20 years. The Elders need to get the receiver depth deeper or recruit some bad *** running backs if they want to add more wins.

Mean Machine @ Arrows

The Machine is going with QB James Stevens with an accuracy of 39 moving up to 71 in a couple of years. Beauvoir, their other QB isn’t any better. Bottom line, dump these guys or your team is going nowhere. Current top rated receivers: Juwann Locke with pass catch of 90 moving up to 99 soon is a fine receiver.. Essang Hegel beats him for the top spot with a catch rating of 87 soon to be 88. The first thing this team needs is a decent QB to pass to these guys.

The Arrow’s top QB Charles Schoenberg with an accuracy of 86 has some of the best ball control in the league with a passing release of 99. Current top rated receivers: James Kinney with a pass catch of 86 is top dog, but not for long. In a few years David Smith will be number one with 100 pass catching, 100 ball carry, AND 99 avoid fumble. Once he gets the ball, he’s not letting go! The Arrows are looking very good offensively once their young talent gets established.

Terriers @ Echidnas

Terriers top QB Walter White with an accuracy of 72 would make a decent backup QB. Unfortunately, he’s in the number one slot because the other QB shouldn’t even be on the bench. Current top rated receivers: Aaron Charron with pass catch of 100 is one of the best in the league. 100s fill out most of his stats. He is a receiving machine!. Clyde Peters isn’t too far behind with a pass catch of 86 moving up to 92 maybe towards the end of next season. Dump the lame QB’s, recruit better ones, and the Terriers will be top dog.

Echidnas top QB Knuckles S Knuckles with an accuracy of 77 moving up to 98 in a couple of years. He is a fantastic QB. Current top rated receivers: Jackie Legs is pretty much the only receiver worth mentioning but it will take him a couple of seasons to get the 84 pass catch rating. Echidnas need better receivers to back up Jackie. Currently Knuckles is all dressed up with no place to go.

Rhinos @ Prodigies

Rhinos top QB Douglas Alvarez with an accuracy of 61 moving up to 100 in a couple of years. Lots of 100s in Doug’s future stats. He is going places. Current top rated receivers: The Rhinos carry a very young receiver line up with James Thiel hitting 100 pass catch in a couple of seasons. He is going to be a top notch receiver. Walter Kraemer is right there with him with a future pass catch of 100 as well. The Rhinos will be in a good spot in a few seasons.

Prodigies top QB Joe Chacon with an accuracy of 67 moving up to 80 mid second season. Current top rated receivers: Jae Thrash with a pass catch of 100, Route Running of 100, and future carry of 100 is going to leave CB’s behind. The rest of the bunch aren’t really worth a mention. Beef up this receiver line and Chacon will get the ball to them most of the time. You either do that or hope that RB superstar Johan Cruijff can skill up quickly to take over in the running game.


Dragons @ Harbourmasters

Dragons top QB Yuan Shao with an accuracy of 77 moving up to 100 in a couple of years is another one of the superstar rookies to be drafted this year . Current top rated receivers: Huang Zu with a pass catch of 87 moving up to 100 in the next two years. Unfortunately the rest of them are glorified blockers. Much like the Prodigies it looks like the Dragons are hoping for Lu Bu, a top notch RB to skill up. Until then it’s going to be painful.

Harbourmasters top QB Jason Crowe with an accuracy of 81 moving up to 92 is a great arm gun for this team. Current top rated receivers: Not yet ready. Up and coming stars will be Thomas Hanna, who will hit 100 in 6 skills and 90s in 3 others is going to be fun to watch, and Ray Sanborn who is currently catching at 75 but will hit 100 in a while. There are no decent RB’s so the team will suffer until these receivers get their game on.

Week 7

Starting with players of the week:

-- on offense --

Anarchy 24 @ Wildcats 7

The Anarchy’s Barry Scott was 15 for 19 and threw for 193 yards, including 3 touchdowns in a big win over the struggling Wildcats. He Hate Me caught 5 of those, 2 for touchdowns. I hate that guy. Barry Scott is now in 6th place for league leaders in passing.

Fools 6 @ Sharknado 24

The SHARKNADO’S! Quimbus ‘I was made fun of in school’ Baconmaker was 18 for 20 and 3 touchdowns in a win over the stinking Fools. The Sharknado defense held Leeroy Jenkins to just 20 yards. The Fools coach has not been able to explain why he decided to go for a passing game against a team named Sharknados.

Slammers 3 @ North Stars 34

James Marrero had a good day passing for 157 yards and 3 touchdowns to slam the door on the Slammers. The North Stars continue their Bad Company dominance with 125 points scored and just 39 allowed.

-- and defense --

Arrows 6 @ Harbourmasters 3 (OT)

The Harbourmasters Jack Moreno had 10 tackles and 1 interception to lead the Harbourmasters to a loss in overtime. Way to go Jack, maybe be a team player next time? Defensive stats are so exciting!


Rhinos 6 @ Dragons 16

The Dragons Zhuge Liang scored 9 tackles and an interception in a win over the Rhinos. I’m sure this means something and I bet Beans is happy about it. Liang is a 5th round lower volatility draft pick who’s stats somehow just keep getting better.

Meanwhile the Rhinos William (Willy) Nelson was credited for 11 tackles and one interception in a futile attempt to keep the Rhinos competitive. Nelson may be the best WLB in the league, a 3rd round pick and 84 volatility player who was seen as a risky pick yet has been rock solid since training camp. Wombert pays his scouts well.

Soneros 12 @ Auctioneers 17

The Auctioneers Chester McTester has an interception, a fumble, and 7 tackles in a win for the Auctioneers. Apparently this is good enough to get the defense player of the week award? The molester was also credited with 2 sacks, which I suppose is good enough for some recognition.


The other games


Paris 14 @ Screamers 0

Paris continues to pummel other teams with a perfect 7 - 0 record. Can anyone stop those annoying frenchies?


Echidnas 24 @ Mean Machine 10

The Echidnas and kicker Fair Dinkum gunked up the Machine scoring 5 field goals along with a TD and a safety. I bet Muttley is a bit grouchy.


Crazy Wolves 16 @ Slamhounds 6

Those Crazy Wolves get a solid win over the Slamhounds even with kicker Ries missing 3 FGs and an extra point. Ries is, on paper, one of the best kickers in the league. Punter and kick holder Allan Jones refused comment.


Raptors 17 @ Baguettes 9

A good game between the Raptors and the Baguettes with the Baguettes seemingly on fire but continually coming up short with just 3 field goals and too many penalties. This is a team coming off a huge 3 nothing win over Philly but losing star runningback Lepain after he slipped on some cream cheese.


Lions 0 @ Cubs 17

Cubs win, Cubs win, Cubs win! Two TD’s and a safety.


Railriders 8 @ Pilots 0

Two field goals and one of those safeties put the Railriders on track to another win. The Railriders have a solid record this year, how far can they go?


Philly 17 @ Kings 10

Philly used all star power to beat the Kings by a touchdown. This was a football game.


Earthquake 3 @ Bullfighters 16

The Bullfighters come out … dancing? against the Earthquake, limiting league top running back Kit Katz to 82 yards and only giving up one field goal in the win.


Prodigies 0 @ Elders 16

Joe Montana had a great game, including a signature Montana drive at the start of the second half to gut punch the Prodigies 16 to nothing. I know what it’s like to lose two super bowls to a Montana drive and it ain’t pretty. At least Montana knew when to retire.


Lengths 13 @ Terriers 9

The Terriers Walter White threw for 222 yards but it wasn’t enough to measure up to the Reasonable Lengths. Both teams struggled to convert 3rd downs but a key 4th down conversion by the Lengths near the end of the game led to a TD and the win, leaving the Terriers howling (more like an annoying yipe).