The newly-helmed Tokyo Revolver are here to shake things up. Let's head into the locker room when veteran head coach and general manager Colonel "baseball bat" Failure is making a few roster changes...

Colonel Failure - You! Pack your **** and get out. Same goes for you over there, old man. And you! How are you still playing, pick up your pension book and clear off.

Times - How's it going coach?

CF - You're fired too... hold on, your name's not on this list. What do you want?

T - How's the team looking? Big expectations of your being able to make the north a 3 horse race this season.

CF - With this sorry bunch of never-beens and never-will-bes? Have you been huffing your newsprint again?

T - Not optimistic then?

CF - We'll field a team, sure, but they'll be lousy. In this first season I'm just gonna run em. Run em a lot. I'm expecting to set records.

T - That sounds like something the fans can get behind! Which records are you targeting?

CF - Shortest career of a quarterback, most interceptions thrown, most times sacked, lowest completion rate. The boy Shambles is exactly that. Why anyone gave him a gig is beyond me. Still not a lot of choice. Drafted in a rookie...

T - Flagellation Jones?

CF - That's the kid. His first question was "which side of the ball is forwards". I don't rate his chances.

T - You also signed Bok Stranglehold to play defensive tackle. That looks like a power move.

CF - Looks like it, but he's spent more time making gang signs on Instagram than working out since he got here. If he has a bad training camp... well, he'll probably still play because the rest of the defensive line is about the worst I've ever seen.

T - Speaking of the trenches, you don't think your o-line is up to the job?

CF - Sure, there's some talent in there. Powell, Danforth, Robson, even Altair they've got some game. Pity we don't have a center that's worth a ****.

T - Parker Cooke though...

CF - Tells me the weather every morning according to his bad knee. I then tell him he better hope it's not windy because a stiff breeze will knock him over. The center of the line is causing me to pull my "ugh" face. This one.

[The coach's expression doesn't change]

T - Let's talk offense. You've said you expect your aerial game to struggle.

CF - I didn't say that. I said it would be ****.

T - Okay, but you've outstanding talent in the form of Colinabo Ciencia at running back. Surely a thousand club contender?

CF - If I can find a fullback to block for him, certainly.

T - You don't rate Keillor?

CF - I sacked him already. I don't work with pod people. Also, he was ****.

T - The new guy, Disquiet?

CF - We'll see. Not sure where I'll play him yet, but he has a turn of speed I like the looks of.

T - Finally, any predictions for the division?

CF - Yes. It's going to ****.

T - Thanks coach, the whole of Tokyo is behind you.

CF - Can any of them play center?