The 2025 campaign is warming up, and throughout preseason the self-appointed panel of experts (both of us) will consider every team's chances of making post-season and beyond.

Today, the partnership of Failure and Beans are looking to hit the North.

Bad Company North
This season the North face off against the BC whipping boys in the East and Fail Brigade's easiest matchup, the West. As such, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that they'll be sending one, maybe two wildcard teams into post season.

Batman Robins
CF: The Robins have won the division every season. Unsurprising when you see Codus at the helm, but maybe raises an eyebrow when you have 3 quarterbacks who fall some way short of looking prototypical.

As such they've been relying on breakaways from Russo and rushing consistency on the part of Steven Martelli. More than anything however, success has come from capitalising on opponent mistakes. I don't see any reason they wouldn't claim the division title for a fourth straight year as they're clearly getting it done through gameplanning.

Beans: Codus knows his stuff, but don't forget that TrainBoy took the first title, and that this is still a roster that shows its former owner's hands, for better or worse. A lot of top talent on this team is on its way out, and who knows how patient Codus will be in making the jump from Deaton to young Pass-Accuracy at QB. All this despite a secretly ugly 2024 (10-6 division champ with a point differential of... 7).

There are few owners more prepared for the task, but he'll have to keep the ship afloat for a while before he can start mounting cannons. Favorite to repeat? Maybe. But if there was ever an opportunity for someone else to step up this is their chance.

Ulaanbaatar Raptors
CF: Sporting one of the tastiest quarterbacks in the league, the biggest challenge the Raptors have is figuring out how to get the most from him. On paper the Raptors have an outrageous offense and their 2024 numbers back that up, they just have to make fewer mistakes while tightening up on defense. Given their schedule this season, 11 or 12 wins is very possible.

Beans: After falling four games short in 2023, the Raptors made the division a tight battle last year, though their struggles against the more-talented teams on their schedule doomed them in the end. This year's slate is one to sink their claws into, though, and their younger, surprisingly talented roster can easily contend for the division even if the Robins don't miss a step in retooling. They just need to start winning when it matters most, and they can begin that by overcoming their 1-5 record against Batman.

Edlington Anarchy
CF: The Anarchy were horrible last season. Just bad. Under 200 yards per game offensive production. The good news is they drafted smartly and have an offensive leader for the future in Upfield who'll be ready to take over from Barry Scott in a year or two.

They've plenty of offensive talent but protecting their playcaller is going to be paramount; that offensive line is a disaster. If they had sterner opponents this season Scott's 42 sacks last season could well be beaten this year, but as it stands, "only" being sacked twice a game is possible.

Beans: Going 7-9 in each of the first two years helped mask the stink, but last year we got a look at the 3-win team this really is. As Colonel said, if you can squint through some agonizing puns, there's some good young talent on the roster, though some of the older talent will be hard to replace down the road.

If the owner can show the same energy for gameplanning that they do for graphic design, this team could go back to earning a .500'ish record, otherwise I'm not so sure they'll improve much on a 2024 that saw them shutout in fully half their games.

Grand Rapids Rampage
CF: A new owner makes for an unknown quantity this season, but the Rampage have every opportunity to make it to 10 wins this year if they can persuade Engelhardt to throw the ball immediately. They're another team lacking an offensive trench which is going to be a challenge in close-run games. This shakedown season is going to be interesting to watch unfold.

Beans: This team is the anti-Edlington, better than their results suggest but underachieving heartily. The baffling decision to start Bong over Engelhardt all last year won't be repeated, and with a friendly schedule, Grand Rapids can easily double their win total if the new owner puts in the work.

Unfortunately, they're also like the Anarchy in having as much talent soon to depart as they do coming in, so the ownership better pencil in some teambuilding seminars after those gameplanning classes if progress for the Rampage is going to be sustainable.


Fail Brigade North
An easy matchup season for arguably the strongest division in Fail Brigade, as they cross conference against Bad Company East and square off against FB's East.

Forbidden City Dragons
CF: The fate of the Dragons may rest in the hands of Paris, but a 14+ win season isn't far outside the realm of possibility. Coming off the back of a division title, with a team that can only be described as polific on both sides of the ball there could be some records set in Forbidden City this year. It's very likely they'll be Fail Brigade's bowl representative this season.

Beans: Though the game with Nice will be rough, the collapse of Balsicas leaves the reigning division champs in not much worse of a spot than their peers in terms of schedule. Most of the fight will come from within the division itself where the arrival of a veteran owner is deadly.

Despite parting with some talent and being burnt by draft gambles, this is a solid young roster coming into the peak of its powers. Some health, some luck, some steadiness (haha yeah right), and it might be Forbidden City's turn to lose the bowl to a BC South juggernaut.

Les Republicains de Paris
CF: Last season's North bridesmaids aren't done by a long way. They'll be good for a dozen wins this season and the division title is going to come down to the head-to-heads against the Dragons.

Mixo Fugue is coming into the year stronger than last season which makes them more dangerous than ever. Just scan their roster to look for a weak link and the best you'll come up with is that they maybe need a better kicker.

Beans: It's no accident that they have the conference's best trophy case, and it still took the last-hurrah Zombies to end their playoff run in an uncharacteristic down year in 2024. But since then, this roster's only continued to improve, both through experience and the draft. Forget the 9-7 last year, the bounce-back they'll want is from the 3-3 division record; achieve this and the Republicains will be back to what they do best, dethroning kings of all sorts.

Porth Emmett Auctioneers
CF: This is a team with a few gaps to fill before they can be truly competitive. Not that the Auctioneers are a bad team, but neither are they a good one. They're also getting old. Blake will probably get the start at QB this year and is likely to be a little better than last season, but the team have to stop giving up sacks. Certainly they have the line to provide protection, but Blake's speed of decision-making led to him eating turf 44 times last year. If they can find ways to win in critical games they should make the playoffs alongside Forbidden City and Paris (and probably Oviedo).

Beans: After investing a fortune on the position, hopefully the Auctioneers be content at QB with Blake, who's no star but is good enough to earn a playoff spot. Unfortunately, this has come at the expense of the rest of the roster, which was famously built for short-term success over long-term longevity.

For all the quarterback focus, most of this squad's talent is on the defensive side of the ball; if they can find a way to get the production out of that unit that they should and can bounce back from being 25th in yards allowed and worst in their division for points allowed, they might not take the division crown, but they could hang tight enough to get a wildcard seed.

Oviedo Tardigrados
CF: A new, but far from inexperienced, owner and a roster that holds a considerable amount of talent. The two horse race in Fail Brigade North could officially be a three-runner. It's likely that the Tardigrados will be disrupt a potential coronation for someone in Fail Brigade - every wildcard contender is going to be chasing a 10 win season, minimum.

Too many unknowns at Oviedo right now, largely depending on when Bill can get the team to click, but it'll be fascinating to watch the season unfold.

Beans: The new owner is a bowl-winner, and given that it was long ago that most current owners won't have even played in that incarnation of the league, they'll have plenty to prove. That urge will only deepen now that they've given up the Balsicas juggernaut for a franchise they can shape to their own designs.

The team's at a crossroads, though: nearly-there success could hamper patching up the roster and accounting for its future age issues, but they're already good enough (see 2023's 9-7 finish) that a rebuild might seem unnecessary at this point. Either way, they should prove to be one of the more compelling storylines this season and will make a tight division even tighter.

Welcome back to Great Expectations, Part 2, where two of our league's most prolific gossips provide unsolicited feedback on where teams are headed this year.

Today for Beans and Colonel, it's the East they can do.

Bad Company East
One of the league's struggling divisions, the champs went 7-9 last year, BC East will face a firm test this year against BC North and FB North. There's not likely to be a wildcard seed available for the runner-ups here.

Sumpan Crazy Wolves
Beans - They've taken this division three years running now and they can't rule out a fourth, given situations elsewhere. Though it's hard to see them making a deep playoff run as they did in 2023; a weak receiving corps, dreadful o-line, and lousy linebackers and secondary, leave too many holes for their Bowl chances to slip through.

Some smart drafting gave them a few new starters, including securing a future after Donald Brown's impending retirement, but after finishing 21st on offense and 31st on defense last year, it'll be several pots of coffee before they can get to the bottles of champagne.

CF - There are flashes of what could be a great team in Sumpan. Paul Carrier at tight end, the mighty Lou Slocumb playing center and a good scattering of linebacker talent, but that's where it ends. The Wolves have managed their gameplanning better than divisional rivals in past seasons, hence their dominating the division but this roster isn't in a position to challenge elsewhere. The biggest challenge for the team will be in deciding what to do with this talent; if Brown retires at the end of this season or next, his successor won't be ready to take over, leading to a bad year. Then, by the time Oscar is ready to step up these high-value players will be retiring themselves. Do you keep the talent and hope to offset the young QB's failings, or sell them while they hold value to build the next generation in Sumpan? Tricky.

Wausau War Elephants
Beans - The former Wildcats see a new owner come into power in a perfect situation. It's a very winnable division, and 2022's famous all-rookie foundation draft class are now reaching the peak of their powers in year 4, with stars positioned across the depth chart.

It's not perfect - there're some impostors on a hit-and-miss o-line, their kicker's a dud, and they need to improve their CB slate, but this was the best team of the division last year if you look past their W-L record and if they can live up to potential, they'll be worth taking seriously in the playoffs. It's good clay for a new owner's hands, the question is if he'll take the time to learn to sculpt.

CF - For as much as preseason results can't be taken as any kind of indicator of anything, shutting out Philly in the first week, holding Smith to 40% completion rate that's not a scoreline you look at without at least blinking once or twice. The all-youth strategy of foundation has given the team an enviable roster who are all hitting their stride at the same time.

The downside here is that where there are holes, they're significant. The kicker, often maligned, can be the difference between a win and loss and Prior is going to be responsible for more game than one this season being neither accurate or mighty of leg. Then there's the secondary: what it lacks in numbers it also lacks in ability. Any team with an aerial offense will light the Elephants up. That said, I do think they have what it takes to win the division, but with this season's schedule it'll likely be with a 6 win record.

Star City Slamhounds
Beans - Staying with the question of taking the time for the game, we have the Slamhounds. A young roster with a nice variety of talent, thanks in part to top-tier draft positioning, with holes to fill through courageous trade (have you seen their secondary?). After bouncing back from a 2023 that saw them nearly finish dead last in offense and defense, last year saw some incremental improvement, even with BC South on the schedule. But let's be honest, whether they'll improve further or regress is down to the player at the computer, not the players on the field.

CF - The Slamhounds are sat on what could be one of the best pass offenses in the league, and have been for 2-3 seasons they're just not making it work. There are two components to a winning team - the roster and the gameplan. While the former makes up the majority of a team's performance it is the latter that is the deciding factor on game day.

Historically, Star City have struggled defensively and that really shouldn't be the case any more. As much as their secondary is horrendous, they drafted what could be the best pass pressure player in the league and have a linebacker group that is world class. A little more pass focus on offense, and pass pressure on defense and there could be some upsets at the hands of the Slamhounds - if they keep their eye on the ball.

Maastricht Violent Vermin
Beans - Staying with the question of taking the time for the game, we have the Vermin. A young roster with a nice variety of talent, thanks in part to top-tier draft positioning, with holes to fill through courageous trade (have you seen their d-line?). Continuing to struggle after a 2023 that saw them drop from eight wins to three, last year saw them finish in the bottom four for offense and defense, understandable with BC South on the schedule. But let's be honest, whether they'll improve or regress further is down to the player at the computer, not the players on the field.

CF - Sure as eggs is eggs, nothing is likely to give a team owner more certainty of a win than seeing the Vermin on their schedule. While you could point to wild enthusiasm in their team building, a more likely candidate is the owner simply being asleep at the wheel. This offense has 3 fullbacks, 3 tight ends and 4 centers, friends. The draft picks this year (first pick in each round) started out with the right idea - a good running back and a good(ish) defensive tackle but on both occasions better players were passed over, failing to account for very obvious weaknesses in their lineup. Under current ownership the team has had a 3 win and 2 win season, and unless management shake things up it doesn't look likely this year will see them break the elusive 4-win barrier either.

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Fail Brigade East
Arguably our most intriguing division, 2024's results were a near-perfect inverse of 2023's, with the reigning champ knocked down to dead last. The punishing schedule--BC South and FB North--should add enough chaos in to help keep things fascinating. Despite that, a wildcard squad here is possible, and any division winner should be battle-tested.

Nottingham Arrows
Beans - The league's most-improved team last year, emerging from two losing years to a 13-3 finish and nearly a win over the reigning conference champ in the playoffs. It's not hard to see why, as everything came together for the team last year: straight-as-an-arrow passing, a solid ground attack, and the league's best defense in points allowed.

An aging roster might be a slight concern, but most of the stars have at least a year or two left in the tank and can be dealt with gradually. This season's schedule should be telling; was last year a fluke or good fortune? Or is Nottingham really here to stay?

CF - When you see a team with 4 QBs on the slate, even when we're in the run-up to roster cutting - you know there's a story to tell, and oh boy there's no good news here. The only one of the quartet who should be allowed anywhere near the center is 10 year veteran Schoenberg (in fairness, the others are on the trading block, although that does elicit a response of "lol"). This is however the reigning divisional champ we're talking about and they could take the title again, although they'll be doing so against the very best both conferences can throw at them. The FB East title will probably go to the team that can secure 9 wins this year - if such a team exists. For it to be the Arrows they'll have to lean on their defensive line, who are solid while avoiding mistakes from their myriad QBs, who are not.

Heliopolis Phoenix
Beans - Part of the big upheaval in this division last year came with the arrival of veteran ownership. As a result, the Phoenix did rise, emerging from the ash with a reloaded roster through trade and drafting. This led to a 7-9 record that beat the win total of the previous two seasons combined and dark horse status in the playoff race up until a rough conclusion to the season.

Again, the schedule this year is brutal and might prove to be a reality check, but if they can take the time to work out some flaws--the pass defense really let them down in particular--and continue the good practices they've started, this year might be nothing worse than a slight hiccup.

CF - Heliopolis have an offense that could take them places. A young, talented QB, an obvious pro-quality halfback and better-than-average talent in the receiving and offensive lines; star players and respectable player selections. This isn't going to be enough for them to push for glory, but they won't be out of the running for a good portion of the season. They're clearly going the right way, but it's unlikely that this season will be their breakout.

That said, in order to make the playoffs the only thing a team has to do is beat their divisional rivals - you're not facing the 31 other teams in the league, not the other 15 in your conference, just the 3 you play twice a year. Beat them and you get a shot at the prize, because if you can beat them chances are your shared opponents will as well. Can the Phoenix do that this year? Yes they can. They'll be leaning on middling talent to do so, but they won't have to overcome too many holes in their lineup.

Harnosand Harbourmasters
Beans - One of the league's most frustratingly hard-to-read teams, seeming to trade between the mantle of great potential for the shroud of hopeless doom as often as anyone changes bedsheets. Last year saw them go 1-4, then 2-0, then 0-4, then 4-1, though tallying over 50 points fewer than they allowed only asks further questions. Lucky for them, their roster is pretty young, with more talent coming in than heading out. Between an increasingly competitive division and some tough matchups, playoffs is a tough ask this year, but it's hard to rule them out completely.

CF - This is a mixed bag of a team. Defensively they're good-enough across the board with flashes of real talent on their books to cause genuine problems for their opponents. On offense the story is similar but is likely to cause them problems with consistency - which, let's be fair, is how they've been in previous seasons. A world-class center and left tackle support by little-better-than free agents on the rest of the line. Expand that to their passing game - a near unstoppable combination of Crowe, Hanna and Baldwin looks great but you have to make that combination pay off because it's not there on every play. The challenge in Harnosand is to mitigate their weaknesses as much as they possibly can, ideally plugging the holes before their top tier retire.

Entebbe Elders
Beans - 8-8. 7-9. 6-10. 1st, 1st, last. Age might be catching up with Entebbe, but as we can see above, it's turning into a division where being the least-worst and becoming a sub-.500 champ is no longer possible. Not that age isn't an issue here; a full third of the current 60-man roster is year 9 or older, equal to the number of players at year 4 or younger.

Where did it go wrong? The offense took a big step back between 2022 and 2023, going from 'average' to 'bottom eight', but the defense (particularly the pass defense, fittingly for an air traffic controller) still won them games. That's not the case anymore, with a 4th-worst yards allowed per pass attempt in 2024. If the Elders can't get back to basics this year, a necessarily rebuild awaits.

CF - Where's their offensive production going to come from? I don't see it anywhere. One of the better offensive lines in the league are providing protection for... what? Slow runners, inaccurate passers, the team is going to be heavily reliant on their defense bringing opportunities, and the refs holding a grudge against the opposition. Okay, so can the defense make this happen? No. They cannot. Resting near-solely on the shoulders of outside linebacker Lamm is not going to get this done. A fourth place finish this season? It's possible. Certainly, the team has no experience curves holding it back but the experience they have in spades isn't actually going to deliver much.

The third chapter of Great Expectations and we turn our attention to the south. Lightweight divisions to be matched against, or something a little more challenging?

Bad Company South
If there were one division with a fearsome reputation this would be it. A hall of legends - every one of the owners having at least one bowl win in their history. This is the division who owns the title. All 3 league championships being won by one of these teams.

Montevideo Screamers
CF - The current league champion and a team with every chance of repeating a title shot this season. This was led by an outstanding ground game, ranked #1 in the league. Ball control is the name of Montevideo's game - they'll beat you by denying your offense the chance to score. This was aided by their reluctance to give the ball away casually, making very few mistakes in the 2024 campaign.

So, how are they fixed this season? Well, no retirements to speak of and the trades conducted in the off-season didn't include any notables. To that end, expect another season with Chakotay Jr, Smith and Slade racking up the yards on the ground while Dial runs a tight ship (90 QB rating in 2024) when the do decide to take to the skies. The question will be whether their opponents have closed the gap.

Beans - 5-1 in such a deadly division, winning two rematches against their neighbors in the playoffs en route to ending the Zombie apocalypse? 2024's Screamers were as dominant a team as anyone could realistically imagine. One might wonder if the aforementioned running game would've still put up such gaudy numbers if they didn't spend so much time protecting a lead, but there's little reason to think Dial (70% completion!) wouldn't perform just as well with more needed from him.

Remarkably, despite a bowl win and two other playoff campaigns, the Screamers have done a stunning job with bringing in young talent; I can see at least a dozen players on rookie deals with future ratings that'd make them starters on most teams. Just as well, because if there's one negative thing to say here, it's that the bulk of the squad's stars are getting on in years. But that's a problem for the future; today, it's not hard to imagine a repeat title win this year, though the teams best equipped to stop them might be in their own division.

Stockholm North Stars
CF - Moving on from the current Electrosports League Champion, let's now look at the titleholder from 2022-2023. If there were a team you'd put money on dethroning the Screamers it'd be the North Stars. Their squad is in the optimum age range which gives them maybe 2-3 seasons at maximum strength - the only teams with any chance to stop them being their division-mates, or the very best of Fail Brigade.

The power of Stockholm is in their machine-like efficiency. Rarely flashy but ruthlessly consistent, they'll march upfield and either take it home or chip in a field goal... over and over again. The best completion rate in the league, the best turnover margin and forcing the most penalties on their opposition. They might only track top ten for offense and defense, but sleeping on the North Stars is a recipe for defeat.

Beans - I call them the Stockholm Death Stars for a reason. Zero division titles but two bowl wins? They're just spending the regular season charging up before vaporizing Alderaan. The brutal, flashless efficiency in all phases of the game? Sounds like a well-ran empire. The pedigree of leaving blue-gold helmets in the Hall of Champs across all three incarnations of the league? Cue the John Williams.

If there was someone who tackles every possible phase of this game with unmatched relentlessness, it's the Stockholm ownership. From gameplanning and roster building to drafting and trades, any move they make's bound to leave everyone speechless. With the bulk of their roster mid-career with four years left on the clock, a reckoning is bound to come in the not-too-distant future. Then again, I've said this before, I'll say it again, and I'll always be proven wrong, and that trophy cabinet will need another shelf.

Zena Soneros
CF - The North Stars may have won the bowl in 2022, but they weren't top of the division. Nope, that title was claimed by the Soneros. Since then they've picked up one of the best quarterbacks in the league in the form of Napoleon Whitmore, and he's now fully trained and looking for silverware. 13 wins in 2023, 13 wins in 2024, his season rewards them with a marginally tougher schedule but nobody would bet against them gaining another 13+ win year. The thing is, they're not the strongest team on paper but they have arguable the best strategist in the game.

Certainly they've strength in the right places - a knockout QB, top tier halfback but only a so-so offensive line. Then there's a very puncy defensive line supported by a mediocre linebacker roster and poor secondary. The difference-maker for the Soneros isn't on the roster, it's the gameplanner. Pakkinen may well be the best in the league, and as such will make this season as close-fought in the south as ever.

Beans - The historian in me needs to correct the above statement; the Screamers were the real 2022 division champs, though with a team as dazzling as Zena, you can forgive the MFN engine for passing the title their way instead.

Where I also disagree with my co-analyst is in describing it all as pure gameplanning. Zena's owner has a knack for roster-building, too, concentrating talent where it matters and making stars out of guys that most teams would cut. Anyone who focuses on Whitmore forgets the stunning run Glenn Hall had; fawning over Donahue at RB misses the fact that humble Briones shows him up every year; the list goes on. At the risk of fanboying too much, I'll just say this is a young roster approaching its prime, and while a couple recent bowl winners overshadowed Zena so far, there is a certain sense that it'll very quickly be their turn.

Cape Town Rhinos
CF - After 4 seasons in this new era the Rhinos have an unremarkable 16-32 record. Those unaware of league history won't have heard of the Jesters, or to give them their full name "Wombert's ****** Jesters". Such was the reputation of the team that hit the bowl back to back on 4? 5? Occasions.

If Wombert has a knack for one thing it's roster-building which, as you know, is the key to victory. Their lineup is an embarassment of riches, and this season's defensive tackle acquisition in the draft has proven to be monstrous - potentially gamechanging against the run-first offenses of their divisional rivals. Not kidding. This could be the catalyst for the Rhinos moving up in the world. Certainly they've the offensive muscle to do it, but now they have a shot at slowing down the big 3 they could capitalise. If not this season, then soon. They're slightly younger than the rest of the south so may end up with a season or two of clear air to make a significant push.

Beans - I guess I'll offer a more grounded take on this team. They're not a bad team: as was pointed out, their owner knows the game well, they're not lacking for some outstanding players around the roster, and they've made good use of their draft picks to continue stocking the team. But they got off to a much rougher start than their division mates, and have a patchy o-line, minimal talent to compliment the new star DT, and a no-name secondary.

In any other division, that would be fine, but when you're seated between Solomon Grundy and Gorilla Grodd at the Legion of Doom, these are liabilities the others will be keen to exploit. And it shows; that 16-32 record masks their 0-18 record in divisional play. They're good enough to give any of us mortals elsewhere in the league a challenge, but if they're going to assert themselves into the mix, they may need to hit the trade market before a competitive window in the South opens up for them.

Fail Brigade South
An ecclectic division that is undeniably talented comprising 3 founder owners and an upstart who has a genuine shot a the bowl this season.

Nice Baguettes
CF - Winning Fail Brigade South in 2024 the Baguettes' season was eventually ended by their divisional rivals in the playoffs. This season however, they're back as the clear favourites to take the southern title having picked the cream of the Corpses roster to bolster themselves in what could be their best chance before some reconstruction is needed. They've added the best cornerback in the league to their number in the form of Fanny Gumption and a powerhouse tight end to beef up an already-great offense.

They've never been known as a passing team, preferring to power their way to victory on the ground with Breadrick Lepain who's coming off a league-leading season. Not that Whitworth is a poor quarterback, far from it, but he's getting old and there's no obvious replacement in sight. If the Baguettes can stay fit in key positions, the playoffs are a near certainty.

Beans - The dough is cast for Nice, who have put together a monstrous roster and shouldn't need much yeast to rise towards the top of the conference with a chance to square off with the above-mentioned juggernauts in the Bowl. Gumption and Schmoooze weren't the only big pickups this offseason, with the defense further rounded out with a couple DBs from the Dragons and last year's mid-season acquisition of Peter Gant cranking up the pass pressure.

What it will mean for the boys in brown remains to be seen. Last year saw them just outside the top five in offense and defense and they'll be expecting to cross that threshold for both now, but even with Balsicas gone, their division is no slouch and there's a few other squads in the conference who can go roll-to-roll with them. And if success doesn't come quick, they've left themselves without much of an escape plan: an older roster will look rather alarming in a couple years, during which they won't be doing much in the draft. It's do or rye for Nice.

Cheesy Philly
CF - There's only one thing you need to do to stop Philly: stop the pass. If you can't manage that they're going to score on you with almost every possession. Will Smith is in his prime and is protected by a solid line with the option to hand off to the underused Djiboutian Franc if things get dicey. This is the league's #1 pass offense from 2022, #2 in 2023, #1 in 2024. Prolific is the word, but the other word to consider is error-prone.

Defensive secondaries have improved significantly in the past couple of seasons contributing towards more turnovers from Smith, and an average of 30 yards lost to sacks per game. They could only manage a 9-6-1 record in 2024 but that was enough to get a post-season berth. This year? Anything is possible, and with Kickjess experimenting in preseason, maybe Philly have a surprise up their sleeve.

Beans - Credit where it's due, though. This is an error-prone team, and if you can get Will flustered, he'll do some things the press might make him regret the next day. Buuuuut he's been improving: 2024 saw both sacks and interceptions decline, though the accompanying decline in completion and yards per attempt will be cause for concern, especially with Smith tallying a thousand fewer yards compared to 2023.

The real alarm should be in figuring out what's gone wrong with the defense. 14-2 Philly gave up 127 points in 2022; 12-4 Philly conceded 180 in 2023; last year saw them give up over a hundred more points, allowing 284 versus 306 gained. In terms of yardage, they went from top ten to bottom ten. If they can turn this around and transition the offense from relying on aging WRs to further success passing to Higa and letting their eclectic RBs carry it more often, recovery is easily possible, even in a more-intense division.

Hong Kong Kings
CF - One of the younger teams in the league the Kings' offense is made up of misfit toys. Frequently employing 4 running backs in their impressive ground performances - none of whom look to be natural starters. Where the Kings shine is defensively, a top-tier defensive front four inflicted an unreasonable number of sacks last season and look to be stronger still coming into the 2025 season. This is backed up by linebackers who, at least on paper look to be as solid as any you'll find in the league. Is it enough? Well, it might not need to be. The Kings have a knack of hitting a giant-killing streak late in the season being one of only two teams to defeat last season's champions, they then went on to win through to the conference championship from a wildcard spot. Luck? Guile? Maybe a little of both. The team doesn't quite look ready for a title shot yet, but then you knew that already.

Beans - What their owner describes as the Island of Misfit Toys might be better described as the Island of Doctor Moreau, a collection of adventurous position swaps, peculiar moneyballers, and something-from-nothing tactics. At least, that's always been the reputation, though a closer inspection shows the ethos has been given some professional temperament: Im's a decent QB now and has some good targets, both lines have some brutes, and the LBs and DBs aren't without memorable names, especially with the addition of Salapettes.

Perhaps this tamer approach has begun to pay off. In 2024, the losses (save, perhaps, the final one) were respectable while the wins were often glorious. Many--not least of all their owner--are content to point out the luck and circumstance in some of those cases, but that means that 2025 presents an opportunity to prove it wasn't a fluke. There's still work to be done: several key players need another couple years under their belt, and for all they can boast of their running game, their opponents run even better on them. But if their offense can stay efficient and they can start picking up more sorely-needed division wins, the FB South race should be a squeaker.

Los Angeles Earthquake
CF - The Quake is coming. Snagging Mickey Widdershins, the #1 receiver of all time in the league, from the Corpses they now have the kind of weapon QB Mike Tyson has been waiting for. Not that they've been bad to this point, but they've been outgunned by their divisional rivals and that's left them a few steps short of competitive.

Their defense looks solid enough except in the secondary - lead cornerback Luka Garza can't be everywhere at once. They also have a potential Achilles Heel in the form of their kicker - neither of the pair they have contracted deserve the position and if they're now pulling close to being competitive they could be left wondering what might have been in games that come down to a single score. While preseason doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot, the Earthquake has put up 62 points in two games, giving up just 12. This adds up to make the battle for FB South as exciting as it's been in this incarnation of the league.

Beans - Not content to be left in the dust in a divisional arms race, steady drafting met dramatic trading this offseason, leaving Los Angeles with what one might argue is the most loaded offense in the league. Widdershins and Parker leave enough skill at WR to run a full 80+ talent even in a 5WR set. Oh, and Kit Katz is still there, and Bhatia, and Mitchell, and one of the best o-lines imaginable. And Mike Tyson is virtually perfect. Did they pay a lot for this privilege? Yes, maybe too much. But who cares when it has the potential to be so dang fun?

Though part of the cost was a couple talented players on a defense that has hovered just below average so far, giving up a lot of completions and yards on the ground. Their decent linebackers are sandwiched between an understaffed D-line and some questionable DBs, though they might save themselves some agony with the latter by moving one or two of their solid safeties out to CB. If the offense catches fire, it might be so good that the defense will hardly matter, though. And if that's the case, then the Earthquake might've blown this division wide open. I know I can't wait to watch.

On the season finale of Great Expectations: Life is peaceful there, in the open air, we're going west. These are two curious divisions for very different reasons, and hopefully those reasons are compelling enough for you all to read one more of these.

Bad Company West
Like (technically) the other BC divisions, the West has seen the same squad win all three division titles. But after a slow start for the other teams here, there might finally be challengers to the throne.

Echunga Echidnas
Beans - After a couple years of timid success, Echunga went supersonic last year, finishing 13-3 before seeing their playoff campaign ended by a vengeful Zena. It's not hard to see why; a well-staffed and well-led offense caught fire, tallying an extra 60 yards per game and leaping from #11 to #1 in yardage. Steely line play on both sides of the ball kept the QB upright and opposing run games stuck in the mud.

This is a team steeped in young talent that is just starting to come into its prime. If last year was a signal of what this team is capable of, then this is a legitimate contender, a potential BC South upsetter. They need to start finding the luck needed to win more marquee matchups, though, before getting too confident: Those three losses came against Baliscas, Montevideo, and... Derry. More on them shortly.

CF - Those big shots in BC South may get all the headlines, but in the process it's allowed teams like Echunga and Derry (more on them shortly) to slip under the Bad Company radar. The three-time divisional winners had an easy time of it in 2024 and as much as my co-commentator may describe it as "supersonic" the only quality teams they defeated were Batman and Derry - both of whom are in the "bubbling under" group of teams who are close, but not quite there yet. Taking nothing away from the rest of the assement however, the Echidnas are formidable on paper and have one of the toughest owners in Electrosports history running the clipboard. This season is their chance to prove themselves as every game bar maybe 5 or 6 is against serious opposition. 13-3 this season? It's possible, but 10 or 11 wins is more plausible, and would be a demonstration of what to expect in seasons to come.

Derry Mean Machine
Beans - Perhaps it just takes a couple seasons for a Mean Machine to get up to speed from a cold start. Following a shocking 2-14 inaugural season and a tepid 7-9 afterwards, Derry and its bowl-pedigree owner finished 11-5 before losing a rough one to rivals Echunga in the playoffs. It was Derry as we've known and loved them... or was it? #4 defense in the league, sure, but for all the love of linemen, it was a best-in-league pass defense that took them so far.

The offense looks like a Derry offense, though, with a preference for beefier targets for receiving and a solid offensive line for a duo of RBs to hammer out the yards. The offense didn't excel in any particular aspect, but somehow still managed to nearly finish in the top ten for yardage. This is a team that plays the game how they want to play it, and is starting to win games how they want to win them. The division, if not the entire conference, should be on notice.

CF - Derry's historic approach has always been to score only a little while shutting down their opposition entirely. Big splashy scoring isn't their way, making offenses look weak is. Considering the foundation draft selections made by the Mean Machine that's exactly what they set out to do in this new incarnation of the league, anchoring their defensive line with the likes of Kierkegaard, Kant and Hobbes. Offensively they were solid without being exciting offensively. Homage was fine at QB, Bell was okay rushing the ball. Make no mistake, Derry will punish their opposition but there'll be some close results along the way. I'm not certain how carrying 3 punters on roster, after cutting to 53 on the team, will help them this year but Muttley probably has a plan.

A quick glance at the schedule will show you that the West will be won between weeks 14 and 16 as Derry and Echunga go head to head twice.

Reasonable Lengths
Beans - In some ways, this team is a complete mystery to me, and that mystery extends far beyond just determining which player is which. It seems they're on the verge of a massive rebuild, with fourteen picks slated in the first four rounds of next year's draft. That's a good thing, with half the roster sitting at year 7 or older. It's also good because they've been one of the most consistently underwhelming offenses in the league despite decent W-L records, with only twenty touchdowns scored across all three seasons, including none in the air last year.

What isn't a mystery, though, is how this team performs. Maybe 'Reasonable' is the right term for them; in three years, they've never beaten a team you'd expect them to lose to and never lost to a team you'd expect them to beat. This means that their fortunes rise and fall on schedule alone; that meant 8-8 last year, but with appointments against BC South, FB South, and Echunga and Derry? 4-12 seems a safe bet.

CF - The Lengths are in for a tough campaign in 2025. Hammer is probably going to start again at QB despite finishing 2024 with 6 interceptions and zero touchdowns. On the ground it'll be Whalen trying to get the job done, he had a thousand yard season in 2024 but could only scrape 3.4 per carry. This is a team that is going to struggle to score when facing both Southern divisions in a single season. Best chances for victory will come from Star City, Grand Rapids, Los Angeles (maybe), Cape Town (maybe) and a double bill against the Prodigies. None of these best chances could be considered automatic, either. Not that this is something to be downhearted about particularly, the team has 17 draft picks lined up for the end of the season hopefully none of them being named Keillor.

Dutch Prodigies
Beans - One of the league's cellar-dwellers so far, the Prodigies have totalled twelve wins across three seasons so far, reaching a new low at 3-13 and bottom-three finishes for both offense and defense. It shouldn't stay this way forever, though, and the Dutch could easily start reclaiming land in the next season or two. They've got a young star QB coming into his own, a scatter of talented skill players on offense led by the best RB in the league, and some serious names at LB and DB. If they can patch some serious holes in both lines, this could be a dangerous squad to face, even if their owner's focus on the game remains mercurial at best.

CF - Scott Moseley. That's who the Prodigies will start this season, makes total sense to do so. Kinsler is definitely the better choice if you're trying to win, but Moseley is the future not only of the team, but also of the top end of the leaderboard. He's a beast, but he's going to need a couple more seasons to train. This affords the team time to buld out the offense to the point of being unstoppable. They're close already. Undisputed-beat-halfback-in-the-league Johan Cruijff will be in his 6th year when Moseley hit the jets, as will not-quite-fast-enough-but-even-so-he's-very-good Jae Thrash. Then you have the supporting act of Moody at fullback and Van Oranje at tight end, and an offensive line that's world class in all but guards. This is a coiled spring of an offense that even now could upset almost any team.

On the defensive side of the ball, they're not quite as impressive but the talent is there. A lack of edge-rushing isn't ideal and the secondary is spotty but when the time comes this is the league's #1 offense if it can be made to click.


Fail Brigade West
The Zombie apocalypse has come to an end, and three feisty squads helmed by veteran owners are able to exit their bunkers at last. Let's see who can step into the sun.

Debt-Laden Corpses
Beans - The ending credits are still rolling on this movie, so I won't say much. Though, depending on what the ownership situation looks like come next offseason, there's enough draft capital here that we might yet get a post-credit scene of a hand reaching up through the dirt of a gravesite.

CF - Whoever takes charge of the Corpses will have a clean salary slate to play with, but even then they'll need to push out draft picks to later seasons or they'll be right back in cap trouble.

Tillamook Sharknado
Beans - Our first potential successor is, arguably, the favorite to take the title this year, having won it in 2022 and then sticking around in a distant second place in the two seasons since. A stubborn defense has put up steadily impressive results, particularly in stopping the run, while their own running has formed the basis of a quietly competent offense. In fact, it was their passing game that led to a major drop-off on offense in 2024, with their star QB doubling his interception count and seeing his yards-per plummet. If they can remedy these issues, patch some holes, and get another perfect year out of their kicker (27 for 27 in 2024!), this could be their division... at least until they hit the retirement cliff in a couple years.

CF - Every team in the West can be assured 2 wins this season, so it's going to be the head-to-heads against divisional rivals that make the difference in the title run this year. Last year Tillamook went 3-1 against these rivals so are likely front-runner for the division this year. Young Quimbus Baconmaker is match-ready and is slippery on his worst days, but he's going to need to be a little more reliable at finding his team-mates rather than opponents if he's to lead this team to victory. 21 interceptions and 10 TDs last year? Nope, that won't cut it. The draft saw them stengthen their lines and defense which should have gave them a boost alongside the power ground game of Benediction and Molyneux... who has picked up at 11 week knee injury (he'll be back by week 8). If I were in a forecasting move, and I am, they'll look like an also-ran by midseason but then see a second half surge potentially propelling them to a 10 win season, and that'll be enough to get them into the playoffs.

Florence Fools
Beans - Potential successor number two is already the three-time league champ as far as player names are concerned. It's hard to diagnose exactly where the struggles have come from; both their offense and their defense has been in the bottom eight all three years, and they've capped each season with losing streaks of 6, 8, and even 11 games. a rather unique affliction. One reason for optimism for the future: this is by far one of the youngest teams in the league, and should be able to improve via experience alone. The other reason? Their d-line came to life last year, finishing among the best for run defense and sacks. That's not enough to win a division, but it's the sort of first step you can build on.

CF - The Fools' leadership threatened to walk if their team didn't start playing better at the end of last season. The draft saw them pick up the kind of player who'll make a real difference to the team's fortunes in the shape of left tackle Gary Busey who is arguably best-in-position leaguewide. That's going to give Goodenough a little more time to pick out his targets, hopefully with a little more success than his 64.5 QB rating last year. The team's belief in Leeroy Jenkins on the ground hasn't be rewarded as he's a career average of just 2.9 yards per carry - and he's had a whole lot of carries. With an offense yet to find its rhythm a quick glance at the defense doesn't offer many more signs of life, although they are there. Good linebackers and a couple of decent-ish corners... and that's about your lot. The Fools lack a focal point to their team right now and while this won't be their rebound year they shouldn't go any further backwards.

Penrith Lions
Beans - This is very much a team in transition, having gone from one of the oldest rosters in the league to one of the youngest almost literally overnight, and having brought in a scattering of stars and a core of competent starters and depth players to introduce some longevity and consistency to the roster. Or so one would hope; this team is going to need a year or two to blossom as all those new players gain experience and progress towards their potential. Completing this process is going to require the team's owner to be patient and continue to build out the roster while moving on from the old guard nearing the end of their careers. Success might not come today, but that's okay; every lion starts as a cub.

CF - If the Lions had one point of weakness it would be in their tendency to trade impulsively. History has seen some big-name talent exchanged for various bags of spanners and it's hurt their chances of a rebound in the post-Zombie era. Not that the team is thin on talent, far from it. Joe Chacon is a good leader, albeit in the twilight of his career, and the combination of Snyder and Lockett provide very able targets with which scoring can be attained - just don't look at their ground game, because there isn't one. Add that to a lack of line protection and the team is going to be hard-pressed to top 250 yards production per game. On the reverse of the ball things aren't much better although they have a secondary with not only merit but reasonable depth. They're not in good shape, but they've been declared as rebuilding for a couple of seasons so a third-place finish might not be the worst thing to happen to them.